Wearing a little thin...

Man, lately I have been feeling pretty tired. I guess it doesn't help that I sleep late and get up early the morning to go to work and class. Not really a healthy cycle of living, but I've managed to get this far doing it so I think I'll last for the rest of the semester. Thanksgiving break isn't too much farther away, although it seems like an eternity for me since I'm typing all this out while being pretty out of it. I feel pretty shot and wearing thin...like I could fall asleep at any moment. Obviously, anyone else would just stop what their doing and just go to sleep, but for some reason I feel compelled to stay up. Like I can't go to sleep now since it's still early. I don't know why I do this, but I'm pretty sure my body isn't liking it. Anyways, I haven't really written too much in this blog, but I am on pre-production of my first actual homepage. I just downloaded some really cool web tools from a very well known and respect software company calld Macromedia. If you guessed the StudioMX webtools, then you're right, but you don't win any prizes unfortunately.

In other news, Doom 3 is one of the best games I've ever played. The realism is fantastic and I think Id Software really have outdone themselves. At least until Quake 4 is released. I haven't been playing too many video games lately. I just haven't really found the time to, or I'm just too tired to really do anything but sit here and chat on the computer or watch some mind-numbing television, i.e. Family Guy (which is one kick-ass, funny show).

The past couple of days have been quite a whirlwind of random events. I found out yesterday that I will be graduating 1 1/2 years late. I know I am allowing my friends to view this, but at this point I really don't care what they think of me. Hell, I don't even really think anything of myself. Anyways, Art History just kicked my ass and I'm going to have to retake that next year since it's not offered in the spring semester, which sucks ass because that's a semester longer than I wanted to wait to take it again. I just want to get it done and out of the way since I now know that I have 5 more art history classes to look forward too (great.....), oops, make that 6 since I am retaking one in the fall semester of next year. I swear, the things I do to myself.....I don't understand it. Maybe I don't care to understand it, but I don't know. I can't think that deep right now. I'm too out of it as I had just woken up from an apparent nap about oh, a half-hour ago? I'm not even sure. Since I like to sleep late and wake up early the next morning, my body tends to shutdown at random moments in the afternoon and evening hours. But it's funny, I've never experienced this kind of fluidity in thoughts before. It's like I have to be half asleep in order to get this way. Oh well, I guess I'm enjoying it for the time being seeing as how words to type are coming to me pretty easily right now.

Geez, I had just realized all the pointless shit that I have written for the past 10 minutes. Seems like I'm rambling. I probably am...

Well, I think that'll about do it for now.

Goodnight everyone.

Tension is building...

The past week has been one that has been anyting but relaxed. At least, that's what it seems like to me.

Here's the breakdown:

For the past couple of weeks, our apartment, containing 5 people, has been having some trouble keeping clean. Well, we have had a meeting about this problem since nothing was happening to fix it. It's been more than 2 weeks since that meeting and I guess still nothing has happened, if anything the situation got worse. I honestly have to say that I throw away or take care of anything that i use. As far as everyone else, I'm not sure.

Just today, one of my roommate's yelled out a statement that could have applied to anyone of us, but I'm sure it was directed at someone(s). Even though I can say that I don't think I had a hand in his anger, but I can't keep myself out of this situation. It's frustrating and hurtful. But, I guess I do tend to blame everything on me since I'm usually the cause of the problem. I don't know...

....I just listened to a voice mail that my roommate told me to listen to and I think I have figured out what is going on. I feel a litte relieved that it's not me that he's mad at, but he's mad at another one of my roommate's to also happens to be a good friend of mine. Unfortunately, he's doesn't have as strong of a connection as I do with the others, which puts him at a disadvantage. But, I have to admit that my friend that seems to be causing the frustration is in fact responsible. I can't sit back and lie, he is the cause of the frustration. I just hope that he doesn't realize quite yet why the others are frustrated. He tends to think highly of himself and his opinions, usually thinking he's the one that is right. I don't know, I hope this doesn't build up to the point something drastic must happen.

more to come....

Breaking The Habit

Probably one of the most influencial and inspirational songs I have come to listen to in my entire life. This song, performed by Linkin Park, has such powerful lyrics and is presented in a way to make you feel the desparation in the beginning, keeping the tension throughout the song, then end with the solution.

It sure was enough to make me change. It put somethings in my life into a perspective that I rarely would view upon myself. I was realizing things that I never really gave much thought. Such as why I act the way I do, but still feel inhibited. Maybe even contributing to why I'm having trouble finding myself. Recently, I discovered I act the way I do because I worry about what others may think of me. I constantly worry about what others think of me, which causes me to change certain aspects of my life so that I can "fit in", and I have pretty had enough of that. I am breaking the habit of following. I want to be myself, for myself, and not for others. The moments in which I can act without restaint and go on impulse feel so good. It's relieving and liberating, not caring what anyone else says about me. I guess I've come the point where I feel whatever others think of me isn't important enough for me to worry about so much it affects who I am.

"I don't know what's worth fighting for,
Or why I have to scream,
I don't why I instigate and say what I don't mean,
I don't how I got this way,
I know it's not alright,
So I'm Breaking The Habit tonight."

- Linkin Park

to be continued....

The Big Break

Everyone knows about it. Everyone encounters in at sometime in their life, whether it be during the early years of their life, or later on. The moment in someone's life that causes a huge shift in their lives that seems to put everything in place. The moment in someone's life that changes their life forever......The Big Break. The turning point that changes everything, ties up all the lose ends, and settles all scores. Everything they've been working for is rewarded. I know that I don't have any control as to when this will happen and that I shouldn't try to rush it, but so many things are happening that I can't get a grip on my life. Events in my life are flying by too fast for me to keep up. Basically, life seems to be passing me by. Everything I do is worth nothing in my life. At least that's what it seems like. I feel helpless as I watch my time go by. Wasted minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years just seeming so short and unfulfilled.

I feel empty inside....I feel like I have no.......purpose in this life. What's a person without purpose? I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going, and worst of all I don't know who I am. I've been searching but am coming up with no answers. I walk lost and lonely everyday of my life, regardless of how other people think I feel.

Something changed....why is this all happening to me? What did I do, or what didn't I do?

So many questions.......no answers.........

....to be continued.

College Part III: The Saga Continues

Ok, so college hasn't been going that bad but it's been so boring and full of doing things that I really don't want to do. To be honest, I would just like to live out my life now. Already have a home, a car, and my computer business. I would be perfectly happy with it, no matter what anyone would say. Of course, I would base it off of the performance on the computer business, but I have a feeling that it would perform with desirably. I'm just tired of going to school for so long. I mean you can only take so much of it. I happen to read a very interesting question regarding the higher education, and not in one instance but twice. The first was from the site www.msn.com when the question of whether college is really worth going to. Now, they did follow a college grad from Florida (I think...?) and she graduated with a BA in Business. Now that's pretty respectable, but she never found a position that suited her or that was open for her (I think, don't quote me. If you want exact details try to find the article. Better yet, I'll try and find it sometime for you all to view). She ended up settling with a job that barely made payments for her apartment and piles of student loans. Although I'm not running on any student loans, it's still a giant check to go towards something that might not workout. The other question that I encountered was featured on www.bolt.com from the "Member of the Day" segment of the website. She asked, "Do you think college is overrated?".

My answer: Totally

I really do believe that college is somewhat overrated because of the "importance" of getting a college education. Basically, anyone who does not go into college will probably never successful, or as successful as someone who does graduate from college. I think attending college is becoming a requirement in life and I don't think it should be. I think it should be more of a supplemental option. But, I guess training and such at the acutal job sites would cost the companies money and that whole economic jazz that I don't really want to go into right now.

I don't know. I just want to begin my life in the real world. It's quite a confusing dilemma for me right now. Don't ask why because I don't even know myself.

More to come.......

A Week Of Fun

Whew! Well, within the past week has been some of the greatest moments this summer yet!
 
First, I have found out that my fastest serve so far is 93 m.p.h. Yeah, it's absolutely pathetic compared to what the pro's are smashing, but I think that it will get my foot in the door for the Iowa Games this weekend, which is also going to be a lot of fun. I hope to smash a 100+ m.p.h. serve at the games, wish me luck!
 
Second, this week working at our local swimming pool has been a blast! So much has happened and it's been one hell of a ride so far! It seems like this summer keeps getting better and better! I hope this fall school year will be very much the same as I will be living in an apartment with some of my best friends.
 
Third, I finally have one of the most prized items that I've wanted for a long time: The Apple iPod! I just configured and installed all the software on it and my computer and I'm loving every minute of owning it! I can't wait to use it. Oh, and did I mention that I have purchased a voice recorder to go with it? It's so cool! Hopefully, it can help me with taking notes during lectures. Maybe i can sneak some extra shut eye....hehe ;)
 
Tomorrow is the last day of the weekdays and I hope to have just as much fun if not more. I'm pumped and ready to go to the Iowa Games this weekend, I love my new toy, and I'm loving my job as a lifeguard.
 
What more could I possibly want??? This is the life :)

This VPU (Video Processing Unit) will drop the hammer in what is to become one hell of a computer ;) Those that oppose will be destroyed into an oblivion! hehe :P :) 

A Sense of Identity

As the last couple of days have past, I feel more at ease of the person that I am and will be for the rest of my life. The jealousy's and would-could-should have's gone because I am at ease with myself and believe that I have found another part of myself in this quest which we call life.

Each day since Monday has been a continuous increase in my spirits as my confidence in who I am becomes higher and I reach a sense of identity and self that I feel the weight from my shoulders has been taken off. Especially when it comes to relationships. I have come to terms that running after love is just a setup for disappointment and despair as you see the ones that you have feelings for are with other people. Although it seems like a loss, which it essentially is, I believe that it has let me realize that I should embrace the time of now, instead of wasting my time in what should-could-would have been. I want those that I care for to find their path in life and discover their life while I discover mine.

Who will be the one? I don't know, but I'm sure that we will find each other sometime in our lifetimes.

These are the times in which we must make a choice in who we will become for the rest of our lives.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

As a side note, my quest for serving supremacy continues as I was stood up by a friend of mine who said was going to bring a radar gun to test my serve speed in tennis. I am going to guess my fastest serve speed to be around 120 mph.

More updates to come.........

Friends (cont.)

Do you ever get the feeling that your friends have left you out of the group? Like they forget about you and you're feeling disappointed and mad about them seeming to forget about you?

You wonder why they didn't happen to give you a ring and say "hey come hangout" or something along those lines? Then, you begin to wonder if they consider you a friend or a convenience?

This has bothered me for the longest time, but with all delicate situations you can't just blurt out saying what's on your mind....well, you could but it won't necessarily fix anything. I find it hard to address this issue with other friends, especially the ones that seem to be acting this way.

Is it some sort of natural experience when seeing your friends hanging out with other friends without your presence? The bad thing is they don't "realize" they are doing it and you get mad at them for supposedly leaving you out of the group. I tell you, even have friends can be a painful experience.

Untitled

It's one of those days in which I don't know if I am really who I really am. I don't understand who I am and what is going on around me. I'm really lost within the realm of myself. I can't really describe the feeling since it's a feeling that cannot be described.

Love has a part in this, although I'm not at all surprised of the outcome. I expected for it to go in a certain way and in turn does not inflict as much damage on my heart compared to if I wasn't prepared. What do I do now? To find out that there is someone else in her life and me not being able to not think of her during the whole school year we were apart.

What if I don't want to move on? What if I want to keep what I think is a good thing to hold onto? But it is still painful and I will probably never understand what love truly is.

I have yet to experience true love. When will that be?

Soon? Later? Never?

In a subject with no title, I am lost in the void that is the emptiness of my heart and soul.

I am not complete.

Friends

Just when you think you know someone, you begin to find out their true nature and alter your views about them. Whether good or bad, something within the years knowing each seems to be thrown off by little details here and there that alter and preconceptions of a person.

For me, the changes that I see are changes that seem like they are to become more of a long-term change. What I am talking about is the distancing of friends. I'm sure most people will experience this at sometime in their life, if they have not already. Old friends tend to distance themselves as new ones join in your life. This probably doesn't seem like much for most people seeing as how we pick up and move on. What happens when you don't want to let go of those friends? It can be a difficult time for yourself, but with your friends not seeing it that way. Makes you wonder if there was something you may have done wrong when in fact it could be true that a friend can indeed be bored with being with you for so long. Much like how a lot of relationships seem to end.

Friends I hold dear to my heart yet it doesn't seem as if that connection is agreed upon by the others.

If there was a way to start life all over again........

Father's Day

What a joyous and momentus day! Ok, not really but it's great when you can sleep in until 4:00 pm :) I guess it was my fault for not sleeping until 4:30 am this morning. Couldn't help it, had fun at my friend Kyle's little gathering.

Well, I'm already set for Father's Day. I feel kinda bad that the only thing I have for my father is a Father's Day card. Considering that I'm a college student and am broke because of it, hopefully I won't be ragged on too bad because of lack of money. I would have really liked to have given my father a digital camera since he would like to get one, but I don't quite have enough money for it. Even if I did, I would then be flat broke again and that isn't fun.

So much for the "joyous and mementus" day.

Pvt. Donut

Bored? Welcome to the club.

I swear, I am going to move out of this town after this fall. I can't believe how unbelievably boring it is to live in this town. I guess It's my fault that I didn't rent an apartment in Ames instead of being stuck down here. Again, I didn't have to work and again I only get paid for 1 hours worth of "work". Although I didn't really feel like working today, I still wanted to work because I need the funds, but the weather has been a bitch lately giving us nothing but colder weather and thunderstorms day after day. It's the funny how things workout, or don't, sometimes.

So here I am. Bored once again with nothing to do but sit here and not get paid for doing it. I actually wouldn't have minded working today since I'm a lifeguard and all we do is pretty much sit up on our chairs and watch people swim, or attempt too :P (Those people are funny to watch). Not saying that I wouldn't help them, but it's kinda funny when an adult can't swim.

Well, I'm running out of things to say. So all I can say is that I'm going to try to post more pictures up, especially when I buy my digital camera.

Beware of some interesting photos.......... hehe :P (nothing pornographic, so don't worry about it).

Possibly the most beautiful woman I have ever seen......*sigh* 

Fire anyone?

Another day in which nothing happened and I didn't have to work.

WAIT! AH HA!
Something DID happen today.

Of course, it's not a good one though. Reason I'm saying this is because one of the largest buildings in town, containing multiple businesses, caught on fire earlier today. The thing was just engulfed in flames and the smoke could be seen for miles.

FINALLY! SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED IN THIS DAMNED BORING TOWN!!!

Obviously, you can tell nothing really happens where I live. This town is called Osceola, and it's one of the most boring town's probably in the nation :P . But, I do sort of like it because I'm a little afraid of the bigger cities because people constantly shot, stabbed, and whatnot.

Anyways! Back to the fire.

So my friend happens to call me on her phone right after the whole mess really started gaining some attention and the funny thing is that she just started working there this summer! Of course, I feel bad that this has to happen to her, but at the same time I'm laughing inside because it just happens to be her luck that the new job that she grabbed is now ummm.....burned to the ground, char-broiled, and all that good stuff.

I wonder what she's going to do now???

Damnit! I have to work!

Well, it's another day, but very very early in the morning and I'm really tired. I can't believe that I have to wake up in about 4 hours to go to work from 9 am to 7 pm! Sorry I'm complaining but I do enjoy sleeping. Yes, It is my fault for the lack of sleep that I will get tonight, but whatever :P. My friend is completely mezmerized by footage on tape taken about 4 four years ago. He can't even remember his own work! Oh well, I guess we can't all be perfect.

Hello There!

Wow! This is my very first post ever on www.blogger.com. So far, it's a pretty cool site and I'm diggin' it. Well, I guess I'd better get started on customizing this place.

Pvt. Donut out!