Wearing a little thin...

Man, lately I have been feeling pretty tired. I guess it doesn't help that I sleep late and get up early the morning to go to work and class. Not really a healthy cycle of living, but I've managed to get this far doing it so I think I'll last for the rest of the semester. Thanksgiving break isn't too much farther away, although it seems like an eternity for me since I'm typing all this out while being pretty out of it. I feel pretty shot and wearing thin...like I could fall asleep at any moment. Obviously, anyone else would just stop what their doing and just go to sleep, but for some reason I feel compelled to stay up. Like I can't go to sleep now since it's still early. I don't know why I do this, but I'm pretty sure my body isn't liking it. Anyways, I haven't really written too much in this blog, but I am on pre-production of my first actual homepage. I just downloaded some really cool web tools from a very well known and respect software company calld Macromedia. If you guessed the StudioMX webtools, then you're right, but you don't win any prizes unfortunately.

In other news, Doom 3 is one of the best games I've ever played. The realism is fantastic and I think Id Software really have outdone themselves. At least until Quake 4 is released. I haven't been playing too many video games lately. I just haven't really found the time to, or I'm just too tired to really do anything but sit here and chat on the computer or watch some mind-numbing television, i.e. Family Guy (which is one kick-ass, funny show).

The past couple of days have been quite a whirlwind of random events. I found out yesterday that I will be graduating 1 1/2 years late. I know I am allowing my friends to view this, but at this point I really don't care what they think of me. Hell, I don't even really think anything of myself. Anyways, Art History just kicked my ass and I'm going to have to retake that next year since it's not offered in the spring semester, which sucks ass because that's a semester longer than I wanted to wait to take it again. I just want to get it done and out of the way since I now know that I have 5 more art history classes to look forward too (great.....), oops, make that 6 since I am retaking one in the fall semester of next year. I swear, the things I do to myself.....I don't understand it. Maybe I don't care to understand it, but I don't know. I can't think that deep right now. I'm too out of it as I had just woken up from an apparent nap about oh, a half-hour ago? I'm not even sure. Since I like to sleep late and wake up early the next morning, my body tends to shutdown at random moments in the afternoon and evening hours. But it's funny, I've never experienced this kind of fluidity in thoughts before. It's like I have to be half asleep in order to get this way. Oh well, I guess I'm enjoying it for the time being seeing as how words to type are coming to me pretty easily right now.

Geez, I had just realized all the pointless shit that I have written for the past 10 minutes. Seems like I'm rambling. I probably am...

Well, I think that'll about do it for now.

Goodnight everyone.

Tension is building...

The past week has been one that has been anyting but relaxed. At least, that's what it seems like to me.

Here's the breakdown:

For the past couple of weeks, our apartment, containing 5 people, has been having some trouble keeping clean. Well, we have had a meeting about this problem since nothing was happening to fix it. It's been more than 2 weeks since that meeting and I guess still nothing has happened, if anything the situation got worse. I honestly have to say that I throw away or take care of anything that i use. As far as everyone else, I'm not sure.

Just today, one of my roommate's yelled out a statement that could have applied to anyone of us, but I'm sure it was directed at someone(s). Even though I can say that I don't think I had a hand in his anger, but I can't keep myself out of this situation. It's frustrating and hurtful. But, I guess I do tend to blame everything on me since I'm usually the cause of the problem. I don't know...

....I just listened to a voice mail that my roommate told me to listen to and I think I have figured out what is going on. I feel a litte relieved that it's not me that he's mad at, but he's mad at another one of my roommate's to also happens to be a good friend of mine. Unfortunately, he's doesn't have as strong of a connection as I do with the others, which puts him at a disadvantage. But, I have to admit that my friend that seems to be causing the frustration is in fact responsible. I can't sit back and lie, he is the cause of the frustration. I just hope that he doesn't realize quite yet why the others are frustrated. He tends to think highly of himself and his opinions, usually thinking he's the one that is right. I don't know, I hope this doesn't build up to the point something drastic must happen.

more to come....

Breaking The Habit

Probably one of the most influencial and inspirational songs I have come to listen to in my entire life. This song, performed by Linkin Park, has such powerful lyrics and is presented in a way to make you feel the desparation in the beginning, keeping the tension throughout the song, then end with the solution.

It sure was enough to make me change. It put somethings in my life into a perspective that I rarely would view upon myself. I was realizing things that I never really gave much thought. Such as why I act the way I do, but still feel inhibited. Maybe even contributing to why I'm having trouble finding myself. Recently, I discovered I act the way I do because I worry about what others may think of me. I constantly worry about what others think of me, which causes me to change certain aspects of my life so that I can "fit in", and I have pretty had enough of that. I am breaking the habit of following. I want to be myself, for myself, and not for others. The moments in which I can act without restaint and go on impulse feel so good. It's relieving and liberating, not caring what anyone else says about me. I guess I've come the point where I feel whatever others think of me isn't important enough for me to worry about so much it affects who I am.

"I don't know what's worth fighting for,
Or why I have to scream,
I don't why I instigate and say what I don't mean,
I don't how I got this way,
I know it's not alright,
So I'm Breaking The Habit tonight."

- Linkin Park

to be continued....

The Big Break

Everyone knows about it. Everyone encounters in at sometime in their life, whether it be during the early years of their life, or later on. The moment in someone's life that causes a huge shift in their lives that seems to put everything in place. The moment in someone's life that changes their life forever......The Big Break. The turning point that changes everything, ties up all the lose ends, and settles all scores. Everything they've been working for is rewarded. I know that I don't have any control as to when this will happen and that I shouldn't try to rush it, but so many things are happening that I can't get a grip on my life. Events in my life are flying by too fast for me to keep up. Basically, life seems to be passing me by. Everything I do is worth nothing in my life. At least that's what it seems like. I feel helpless as I watch my time go by. Wasted minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years just seeming so short and unfulfilled.

I feel empty inside....I feel like I have no.......purpose in this life. What's a person without purpose? I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going, and worst of all I don't know who I am. I've been searching but am coming up with no answers. I walk lost and lonely everyday of my life, regardless of how other people think I feel.

Something changed....why is this all happening to me? What did I do, or what didn't I do?

So many questions.......no answers.........

....to be continued.