A Day of Agony

Thinking...too much thinking. Is this exactly what I'm doing?

There are so many things I don't understand and I can't help but think about them all day. People, siutations.....

People: There is someone I guess I am seeing now. But, I'm not sure where we stand in terms of relationships. Are we in one? To be honest, it doesn't seem like it sometimes. I don't need to have a call from her everyday, but it seems like she would never really call me unless she really needed to, and not just to talk. I feel like I've been calling her all the time (which I probably have been) and seem more like a bother to her. But then again, I'm not sure. She doesn't know, but I love her more than she'll ever know. It's been quite a week. I'm not sure how this "relationship" started, but it was quick to develop. I guess it helps that we know each other a little bit. It just seemed like things clicked. We haven't actually dated or anything yet. She just hasn't the time...I guess. I don't blame her that she needs to spend some time with the parents before she heads off to college (which happens to be the same one I am currently attending), but it seems like those are the only reasons. I know she loves her family and they love her just as much...but it seems like everytime I contact her, she's always busy with something.

Am I just thinking too much of the situation? I guess I'm kind of known for thinking too much. I have to admit, it's been about 5 years since my last relationship, so I'm probably just in a desparate train of thought right now. It just doesn't seem like she's reciprocating the same feelings which bothers me.

I really do love her, but it hurts to not have those returned in someway. The night that we happened to become a lot closer to each other, we reciprocated our feelings to each other very well. Both physically and emotionally.

But lately it seems as though those feelings have died. My feelings for her won't die, but I don't know if I can say the same for her. I guess I could ask her, but I don't want to risk the fact that telling her of my uncertainty might end the "relationship". I guess I'm just afraid of heartbreak.

Another thing I notice is that I really feel uncertain when she's around her ex-boyfriend, who happens to be a good friend of mine. It's quite the situation.

I can't help but feel out of the loop being with her. It's like I want to get closer to her, but she won't let me near. Of course, it's still pretty early in the "relationship" to really determine anything. I mean, we haven't even gone out on a date yet. Which is kind of funny because my past 2 relationships started not with a date, but with conversation. In the past relationships, I could tell that something had started and I was certain that it was a relationship. That she was my significant other. I felt similar emotions reciprocated to me. For some reason, I'm not quite feeling this with this girl. I don't blame her, but I wish I could get some confirmation that she also would like to being a partnership.

Regardless of all this confusion, I still love her the same. It's as if my heart and my mind are not in the same place.

I don't know...if only I could hear those 3 words from her, I would know how I should feel.

Today's rant has gone a little long. In fact, a lot longer than I had planned. I'll write of "situations" tomorrow. But tonight, I have to go to sleep...and think things over some more.

Truly a day of mental agony and torture.

What is going on?

Wow, I'm surprised by the way things are going right now.

I have procrastinated on so many things lately, namely school work, which now isn't the best time to be doing so. You think I would have learnd my lesson of not procrastinating from staying up late at night into the early morning hours and hardly getting any sleep, but nope. I just don't understand why I do that to myself. I'm pretty sure that it isn't a healthy cycle of living. I'm like dead by the middle of the day, or even dead all day from sleeping only about 3 hours a night. :p

It sucks, but I can't help it!!! AAHHHH!

I just got a brand new Apple PowerBook G4 and now I don't think I deserve it because of my academic performance lately. Of course, I could punish myself by not allowing myself to use it, but come on, lol, that's not going to work.

Sigh.....I'm getting a little tired. I think I should go to sleep, and it's only 9:06 pm!!!

Craziness......

Strange Day, Strange Feeling

Well, other than being burried in homework and projects, I'm still feeling pretty good.

Could it be because I have a new computer now?

Could it be because I have noticed a beautiful girl has asked me to become her friend on facebook?

Could it be because I really don't give a crap about my homework and projects right now?

Could it be because I am so burried in homework and projects that I am just overwhelmed and confused?

I have no idea.

It's all a mystery to me. Tonight, I really should have been finishing up a phase of my project which really isn't due until after we come back from spring break :P So with that known, I'm really not going to complete this phase until the end of the this entire project since I do have the time. We're not even graded for anything until the end of this entire process! Enough of that though.

I can't really explain how I'm feeling right now. Other than feeling pretty tired, though I shouldn't be because I just slept for 12 hours :P, I'm feeling pretty strange. A good strange. One of those feelings where you can't really explain how you're feeling, but it feels kinda good.

Ahh!!

I got it! It's that feeling when you have nothing to worry about, when in actuality, you do. As funny as that sounds, there really isn't any other way I can explain myself. Whatever it is, I don't mind it and wouldn't mind it staying around for a while. It really helps relief all the stress that I have been experiencing with school, work, and life in general.

You know, I just noticed that it's been forever since I've written in this thing......could it be that with all this school and work that I just haven't had the time too??? (hint hint)

Plus of the day!

A very beautiful girl had asked me to be a friend of hers on thefacebook.com. I'm just ecstatic! I wonder how someone of her beauty would want to add me to her list. Even as a friend if nothing more. I've checked and made sure there were no connections between us that would be a factor to her adding me as a friend: groups, classes, other affiliations. Nothing.

Could it be that she genuinely added me as friend? I have no idea who she is and she adds me to her list???

Definitely something I'll be thinking about for a while....

The Space Between My Ears

Wow. It's been a long time since my last post. I guess I'm not quite used to confiding my feels and such to the likes of a post on the Internet for all to read. It's funny how we say things that we don't really mean. It brings up the point of why we even need to say anything if we aren't going to attach any meaning to what we say.

Better to say nothing than to say what we don't mean?

Probably. Such false claims can almost be thought of as obstruction of justice in friendships and even relationships. It's amazing how superficial we can all be at times. I admit, I've been quite superficial lately. Solely judging on the factor of exterior shells without really taking the time to see what's inside.

We are all dolls walking blindly in this world of illusion and dreams built by those more helplessly involved in their own little worlds of money and politics to even realize what they have wrought onto this world.

We take another step in the timeline of life, not knowing what each day will bring.

Nothing is promised. Words are just words, with the connection being implied possibly being false and of different meaning than what was originally conceived.

Our perceptions are altered ever more into what we want to see, rather than what is.

We try and change what is natural in the process of life. Fighting to deny what we have already justified as inevitable.

"Everything that has a beginning has an end". - The Oracle (The Matrix Revolutions)

Couldn't have said it better myself.