In spite of all that has happened...

I look back at this year as a collection of some great learning experiences.

Not just in my professional life, but especially in my personal life. Things I once have taken for granted are now more carefully thought through than before. New realizations and revelations unfolded about my life through the words of others.

I'm truly lucky to be in company of such wonderful people.

Through all the hard times, the good times, and the times in which we just simply did not know what to do, I thank everyone and everything that has happened throughout the year as it has all given me the chance to develop into the person I am today. I wish the best to all of you and continue to hope for better, for worse, and for more for all in 2007.

Congratulations everyone, we've made it through another year.

Iowa Games

What a weekend it was...

Tennis is 100 degree weather is something I wish to never do again. It was ridiculous. The head for the tennis portion of the Iowa Games couldn't have planned it on any better weekend than the two hottest weekends of summer. Of course, I guess I can't really complain too much as it was still a lot of fun, despite the killer heat wave.

In fact, my doubles partner and I happen to place 3rd in men's doubles. I'm sure we could have made it further, but my partner I believe had suffered from heat exhaustion on Saturday. So, come Sunday he wasn't really feeling too well. I don't blame him for ducking out in the second set. He had shown signs of fatigue, nausea, and light headedness. I would probably call it as well if I felt like that. My knees were killing me though, having to play all day on Saturday. But, we decided to call the match because winning the match was not as important as the health of my partner. Plus, we were already guaranteed a medal and reaching the semifinals was quite an achievement. This was the first year we had made it this far. So, needless to say we were pleased with our placement. There's always next year.

I didn't do so hot in my singles match, which occured before the doubles around 9 am. I could say that the heat had a part in it, but really I ended up just beating myself, as I'm sure I had a good number of unforced errors. I just hate it when I just give points to my opponent on stupid mistakes I make. I think it was pretty clear that I could the guy down, but I don't know what happened for me to just not be able to close the match. I was up 5-3 in the first set and I had him. But then, I made a crap load of unforced errors and lost in the tiebreak 7-6 (3-7). It was absolutely frustrating for me, as it showed in the second set when my opponent pummled me 6-1. I was not satisfied and was very disappointed in my performance to say the least. It helped that later in the day my doubles partner and I performed really well. It certainly helped in bring my spirits up again.

In mixed doubles action, I teamed up for the first time with a friend of mine who also graduated from my same high school. She attends Drake University now and still continues to play tennis down there with the local university club team. I'm definitely sure we had the match, but of course when you destroy your opponents 6-1 in the first set, you tend to get a little loose in the second set. The first set was amazing as we returned everything and just dominated on both net play and baseline play, especially my doubles partner. She had some amazing baseline shots that were unbelievable. A couple shots down the line, and some superb lobs that just totally caught our opponents off guard. I was very impressed to say the least. We lost the first game, but came back and won our first set 6-1. The second set was like what happens to most music artist's sophomore albums, flop. We had a good start, staying with our opponents 2-2, but then we fell behind and dropped the second set 3-6. But we didn't give up and faught back in the tiebreaker 3rd set, but we came a little short and lost the tiebreaker 7-9, for a final match score of 6-1, 3-6, 0-1 (7-9). It was a great match and I'm sure we could have taken it, but by no means was I disappointed. We did a good job and there is always next year.

Frisbees, Chilli Dogs, and Routers...

You ever get one of those days when everything just doesn't seem to work?

Well, for my roommate that was totally the case...well, at least when we went disc golfing. It was quite funny, but I could understand his frustration and wanting to stop playing by the time we all were on the last 9 holes...err, baskets.

It was him and two other friends who decided to come along and play some disc golf. I'm not much of a fan of disc golf, but today was one of those days when the weather is perfect to do anything outside. Since I really didn't feel like staying inside and being on the computer all day, I figure why not give it a go. I mean, I had been sleeping until the afternoon hours, so it was time to get up and go play outside! First of all, I needed a disc. So, my roommate and I left for the mall to pick up a new frisbee for myself and he wanted another one as well.

Boy did he regret picking a new one up...well, at least the one he picked. Hehe.

Here's why:

We all met out a disc golf course just north of the Fredricksen Court, which happens to be the living area of one of the other friends who decided to come along. It was all fun and cheery for the first 3 baskets, which we happen to have started on the back 9 first because we didn't want to wait for the group who were at basket 1. But after basket 13, everything changed for my roommate. Reason being beecause he ended losing the brand new frisbee after his first toss at basket 13. I think it took us about 30 - 45 mins. to search for it, only to find that we all had overlooked the frisbee. Then pretty after all that, it happened again by the time we reached basket 4. Again, it was another case of overlooking, but with his disc missing all the time, about 7 groups had passed us on the course. :P Of course, we had to save the best for last at basket 8 when my roommate tossed his frisbee up into a tree and got it stuck.

Oo.......are you freaking serious!? LMAO, this is unbelievable!

But no worries, as our other friend happens to be an accurate shot with rocks and knocked it down before we resorted to the plan of sending me up the tree to retrieve it or just forgetting about it and having my roommate be out $8. Hehe.

Of course though, all ended well and we decided to head over to Dairy Queen to relax and grab some food to eat. The reason of course for going to Dairy Queen was because it was the only place that any of us could think of who serves chilli dogs. Mmm! For some strange reason I've had a strong craving for chilli dogs for the past week and now I finally get to eat one!

But it wasn't the end of my roommate's bad day. Oooooh no it wasn't! :P

There happened to be a woman working at the Dairy Queen we went to who happened to be the same woman who threatened to inform the police of my roommate's activities around that Dairy Queen when he was working for the ISU Daily student newspaper.

Oo...this is just too much! LOL!!!

Of course, he was beat by the end of the day we all parted ways and my roommate and I returned home. Fun day though, very interesting and I have to say it was a lot of fun...even with all the unfortunate events that occured to my roommate. As frustrating that was for him, I have to say that I think we got a good laugh out of the day.

The way days should end. :)

Afterwards, I ended up leaving for Osceola to visit family and friends. With having high speed internet hook up finally at my home in Osceola, it was more of an incentive to come down and hang out. Before when we just had dial up, I really didn't want to come down, only if I had to. Now, it's like I don't mind coming down at all! Kinda pathetic for someone to have high speed just to come down to visit their hometown. Certainly tells everyone how much time I really spend in front of the computer. Anyways, my sister has been having a hard time with her wireless internet access before of the stupid Netgear router she bought. But, being the genius that I am (yeah, right :P), I happen to figure out that mystery. Of course, my sister was already asleep by the time I figured it out, I was still very happy and now very content as I can now use my PowerBook wirelessly in my own home! Yeah, I was quite relieved to figure that out so that I wouldn't have to be wired to her router in order to gain internet access whenever I come down.

Good stuff I tell ya :)

Like Blood Like Honey

Again, I haven't come back to writing about things that have happened in my life recently. I guess I find it difficult to remember that I can jot down thoughts I've been having all day one here. It's a good outlet and I should utilize it more....

You ever get that feeling when you can sense whether someone likes or dislikes you? I don't just mean in relationship terms, but even as a person. A friend of mine happen to reintroduce me to someone I had briefly met a while back during the school year. She is quite beautiful and is even from a different country, of course, not that different.

I'm talking England. But still, the accent is pretty attractive. hehe.

Well, we all happen to go out to play some tennis. She refused because she thought she lacked the skills to play. Even with all the heckling and begging my friend and I proposed to her to play, she still decided to watch from the sidelines as my friend and I continued to play two sets of tennis. Of course, being the idiot I am, I had shown a little of my aggression when I'm losing, because lets face it, who likes to lose?

I think that was a major turnoff for her.

I'm sorry. I get that way sometimes when I'm frustrated. I was really frustrated that night because nothing was really going in and I was losing pretty badly.

Anyways, when I escorted her back to her apartment, she didn't really look at me or say anything to me, and it seemed like every time I tried to talk to her, she wouldn't really respond. I'm thinking it's because of my reaction to not making a particular shot.

*sigh* If only I had been so stupid and did that, maybe she would continue to speak with me, but I think she's afraid to.

I guess I can just say oh well because I didn't really know her that well, but I just didn't like the way I behaved on the court and leave setting that kind of tone until the next time we meet. I guess I got carried away. Seems like I tend to do that. What can i say, I can be dramatic sometimes even though I say that I don't like drama.

New Release Tuesday!

I love Best Buy Tuesdays <3!

New stuff is always fun and today was a good new release Tuesday. After finishing a substitute shift (I worked for someone who happened to injury themselves during a softball game), I went ahead and picked up the movie "Underworld Evolution" and the super awesome mega CD that is "Holly Brook Like Blood Like Honey (hence the title of this post). I've listened to the CD 3 times now and I just can't get enough of it. I first sampled her CD about a month ago on her MySpace page. I actually discovered her through Fort Minor's MySpace page. Fort Minor of course being Mike Shinoda's (from Linkin Park) little side project with Styles of Beyond, which is also a sweet CD as well. She has a style similar to Rachael Yamagata and maybe even a little Sarah McLachlan (sp?).

Definitely worth a check out.

I haven't watched the "Underworld Evolution" DVD yet, but I'm thinking about it and I think I'll go ahead and do that now.... :0)

That's Understandable.....?

So, I knew that I didn't do all that well with my finals, but come on. Let's just say it was quite a surprise when I finally had seen my grades....both a good surprise and a bad surprise because I ended up doing well in the classes I liked the least.....again.

What's going on? I don't get it.

As much as I just want to let it go, it's definitely something that is going to impact my career, but then again, what doesn't? I just know I'll have to really crank hard this next year and from now on. I have to admit, I wasn't exactly the ideal student this past semester.

Anyways, enough of that because that's just something I want to leave behind. In geek news, I recently picked up my 4th piece of my Valor set for my warrior for World of Warcraft. Yeah, I know, it's probably something I shouldn't really brag about, but it is something I enjoy doing and who wouldn't want to talk about something they enjoy. Mine just happens to be this game at the moment. But, I still have a long way to go, as there are still 4 more pieces to discover before I attain the entire set.

In other news, I was finally able to reset my iTunes computer authorization. All I have to say is to remember to deauthorize computers you will no longer use, or if you've formatted your hard drive, you'll want to deauthorize that installation of whatever os you're running. As of May 2, I was able to finally reset the counter and now my desktop is the only computer that is authorized to play songs I purchase from iTunes. I tell you, what a pain it was to buy songs and not be able to play them because I had already authorized the same computer 3 times and 2 other computers. It was pretty ridiculous, but I'm happy now that I can actually listen to tracks I've purchased again. I guess I'll just have to be more careful from now on. Speaking of which, I don't know how people are aware of the new HBO show "Sleeper Cell", but it has a kick ass soundtrack. I've never seen the show, but judging just from the soundtrack I'm going to guess it's a kick ass show.

My Xbox Live Diamond is here! It arrived yesterday in the mail and I'm stoked now. For those who aren't aware of what it is, it's like a special membership card for people who have subscribed to the gold status membership on Xbox Live. The card grants special discounts in over 200+ stores and outlets selling a range of products and services. From restaurants to convenience stores, this card is accepted in a lot of cool places, even to get discounts on movie tickets! It's pretty cool and I'm definitely going to milk it for all it's worth. Now if only there was anything I really needed from any of these stores.....

I guess on a last note, the new WindowsLive Messenger Beta is pretty neat. I like the redesigned interface and color scheme. It's like a gradient of blue at the top and white at the bottom. It's a very calming and inviting user interface and is super easy to use. Other than the redesign of the interface, the message alert is also something that is worth noting as a significant difference. The alert is no longer some flat ding anymore. It's much more lively and actually has a sense of space. I don't know what that is important, but I think it just adds to the overall effect and presentation of the software.

*sigh*....sorry, my geekiness got the best of me tonight :P

I'll try to do better next time. Hehe.

Skies of Light and Blood

Well, it's about 2:15 am and I'm in the College of Design building. Why? Because I just ran out of time trying to finish up my final project.

Yes. That's right. My final project.

Obviously, this is really going to hurt my chances of earning a good grade in the course, but for some reason I don't feel all that bad. I mean sure, I feel like an idiot and all the "could have, should have" stuff is beginning to surface in my mind. I really think I'm going to get thrashed this semester. Something happened that affected my entire semester, and I don't just mean school either.

Not only am I going to do poorly this semester, but I haven't been doing any better at work either. I've missed a day and a meeting, been late probably on 3 different occassions. So, I've been written up and now I'm on my final warning before they give me the boot.

How fucked up is that? I don't understand.

For some reason I just lacked the ability to really do anything. Well, except for spending more time on World of Warcraft in one week than I normally do in a month, and constantly drawing and sketching things that don't even count for any of my design classes. Plus, I'm thinking of basically changing my entire focus now, which pretty much boils down to changing my major.......again, and it's my junior year in the integrated studio arts program. Well, I guess it's not really that I want to change my major, but change my focus within the program.....and maybe a little outside of the program.

I used to be all about the 3D modeling and animation when I first entered. But just from all the exposure that I've been getting with other disciplines like graphic design, web design, and illustration I'm thinking of changing my focus. Of course, this pretty much means at least another 4 years of school, which is not going to be light on the bank account.

Oh yeah, did I mention I owe about $900 on a credit card and I have only $5.41 in my checking account?

Yeah, you tell me if I'm having a stellar semester.

Lucky for me though my parents (mainly my mother) care enough to give me money when I need it. I really think she's just spending her retirement funds away on me. She doesn't shouldn't be doing that. As much as I know she wants the best for me, she needs to take care of herself as well. I don't want her to have to retire at later age than the average. I feel so bad for my parents because they have dedicated a lot of their life to me and I haven't even really discovered what I truly want to do. If I could, I'd do it all, but unfortunately we don't have that kind of time.

*sigh*

What am I going to do with my life? I've already signed my new lease at a new apartment with two good friends, but I'm thinking of going back to my hometown and really try to hash things out over the summer. I also think I'm getting a little tired of working at Best Buy, so maybe if I ask early enough I can become the assistant manager of my hometown's community pool. I've worked their for 5 years as a full time lifeguard, so they are familiar with me. I just hope I ask early enough.

I hope this all works out, because I have some major thinking to do.

God, please give me a break.

P.S.

The time stamp for this post is wrong. fyi.

The Silence Before The Storm

Unbelievable. It's almost surreal how fast this semester has gone by, let alone the entire school year. I guess it's because I'm getting closer and closer to graduating. Of course, I'm not particularly excited to be done here, as I'm actually thinking of staying here and getting another degree, but who knows. Also, I can't say that I'm really happy with my performance during my time here. Almost feels like a waste, except for last year when I actually did make quite a push to finish strong and I did just that.

Now, It's that time again. It's dead week here at ISU and everyone is crunching to make a last final effort to make the best of this semester. I, on the other hand, am probably not making as much of an effort right now. I have to say, right now is NOT the perfect to be hung up on World of Warcraft. It's already Wednesday and I promised myself that I would start at the beginning of the week to really push for finals. So far, I haven't studied any of my art history, the class I need to do the best on out of all my other classes. Also, I'm like about 2 assignments behind on my 3D animation class, which should be the one I would do the best on because that is my intended focus (go figure).

What happened?

It's like all of a sudden I got really lazy and am falling behind on a lot of things, and I'm more concerned on what is socially buzzing and video games. I really don't understand myself sometimes. It's as if I'm wanting to fail in life. It may also be because it's only a week and half away from summer break, which I should be thinking really hard about because I may need to make some major changes and work over the "break". Heh, this summer may not even really be a break for me. But then again, I have put all this pressure on myself. The situation that really concerns me is the effort of my parents for me to make it in life. Here they are paying all this money right out of their pocket for me to the have the chance of a lifetime they never received. I'm wasting it away playing video games and being lazy all day. I've had to ask for rent money for a couple of months because I'm just spending all the money I earn from work on movies, video games, and other items I really don't need.

It's very strange how I work and I don't think I'll ever fully understand myself. Not in this life anyways.

"Life is a lesson, you'll learn it when you're through" - from "Take A Look Around" by Limp Bizkit.

I have to admit, it's not like my parents really did any better. My mom is probably my main source of encouragement to really strive to do better. She's always pushing me to do my best and I feel like I'm letting her down.

My dad.....well, let's just say I'm not on good terms with him right now. I'm not really sure what he thinks of me, but really at this point I don't really care. I always feel like I have something to prove to him because he's really a skeptic. He's had his moments where he actually does seem to be encouraging me and we actually have a good time, but those times are rare and far between. Not to put him on the spot, but he's even been abusive at times, but I really don't want to talk about that.

*sigh*

So much to think about in such little time. It really doesn't make for happy blogs. As this final week of studying before finals winds down, I really need to get my shit together before it's too late and I get hit hardcore.

For all those who are taking finals either this week or next week (like me),

Good Luck :)

God knows I'm going to need all the help I can get.

Sanctuary (Part II)

So the trip to Minneapolis was definitely a worthy experience for any up and coming artist, especially for people like me who haven't been exposed to the true art scene. It was great seeing all those works from people who were in similar or extraordinary positions from my own.

My own art really stems from the works of others.

I love viewing my peers' works of art because we are of the same generation and are experiening similar events in our lives. It's amazing to see some of the draftsmenship of some of my peers; I'm just blown away at times, how far we've come in the evolution of art. And so many have found their place in this world. Of course, I have yet to discover where I exactly fit in this world, but for some reason, I kind of like the feeling of ambiguity and flowing in and out of certain social rings in society today. There are so many different social groups and as scary as some might be, I want to experience them all. I guess the idea is to really try and put myself out there now. Before, I was comfortable where I was drawing the norm, with random characters that I would sketch, and in a sense I still do that from time to time. But with the latest development, I've discovered possibly a deeper connection to my artwork.

Enter Fort Minor.

I recently picked up Fort Minor's debut CD a week or so back. Although I was a little worried about Mike Shinoda leaving the group, he was there to inform all Linkin Park fans that it isn't true. Thank God, because to break up one of the greatest rock bands for all time would just be a crime.

Anyways, Fort Minor's sound is something pretty unique not only to the rap scene, but to just about anything I've really listened to in a while. Some tracks do considerably classify as rap, but some of the tracks had more to them than just a rap or rhyme.

"Kenji" - One of the most influential tracks I've listened to in a long time. I guess to break the track down a little, the subject of the track happens to be about the Japanese-American interment camps that were initiated during WWII, post the Pearl Harbor attack by the Japanese. This had a profound affect not only to the Japanese-Americans who dedicated themselves to a new culture and country, but also had a major effect on U.S. history. Problem was, no one would talk of it.

This is a problem we have. We tend to ignore the "smaller" details of war.

Although the Japanese-American interment movement is definintely not a small event, history seems to make small of it.

WE'VE BASICALLY MADE THE SAME MISTAKE THE NAZI'S DID TO THE JEWS.

For those who actually know me and what culture I was born into, you may ask, why am I making such a big deal out of this? I mean, I am Korean after all. The Koreans were victims of Japan's early tyranny during the World War's. Why express sympathy?

Because they were innocent. They are human too.

So with that said, I have actually dedicated my exhibition piece that will be finished in about 2 weeks for a student showing at the College of Design on 3rd floor. I will make sure to post it on here as well and hopefully my new website when that's finished.

Fin.

I guess before I am truly done with this post, I'd like to make not that the song "Sanctuary" by Utada Hikaru has been the song that has been stuck in my head for the past 2 weeks. It's a great song and I highly recommend it. In case you're wondering what it is from or where to seek the track, it's from the Kingdom Hearts 2 soundtrack, or Utada Hikaru's latest album. It's also kind of interesting how that song "Sanctuary" would come in at time like this, with me working on such an art piece. *shrug*

Check it out. Seriously.

Sanctuary (Part I)

I originally was going to post sometime last week, but couldn't because I would either forget or I would choose some poor times to start a blog entry, like right before work.

Last Thursday and Friday I participated in a great field trip to Minneapolis, MN. It was for my ARTIS 311 class, which is my Issues in Contemporary Art class. It was an interesting with some very cool artwork from some well known contemporary artists within the Minneapolis area and even nationally. Weak...

I'm not saying it was an interesting trip, but I guess it was the way in which we visited the area. I have to admit though, it was quite overwhelming seeing all that artwork being displayed seeing as we don't have an art scene like that here in Iowa. Also, there were some fun times on the bus ride to and from Minneapolis, as well as the night that we stayed in a Days Inn in downtown Minniapolis. I actually discovered that I was only a block or two away from where one of my friends was living.He lives in a large apartment complex that basically houses many U of M students. Of course, he happens to attend a technical institute, but still, a very nice place to live. The campus area of Minneapolis is amazing. It sprawls throughout the city, combining a campus atmosphere with the heart of the city.

There really isn't much else to the trip, other than actually meeting some more of my classmates. I have to admit, but I'm not much of an extrovert, but that is something I am trying to work on.

Heh, I have been watching a movie and writting in this blog as the same time. So, I've pretty lost concentration all the really deep thoughts I was going to explain, but I think I'll just save that for another time.

The amazing things we do.

Ok, so I guess certain behaviors are not as amazing as I thought. But you have to admit, sometimes we can act a little strange at times. One such is the idea of ignoring someone. It's usually associated with idea of being annoyed with someone or something, so we try not to pay attention to it, or ignore it. But I guess another case in which I've noticed the technique of ignoring is used is when you are afraid of something. Sometimes we don't want to bear the pain of going through a process that is probably less than spectacular. I have to admit, I would love to just ignore all of my problems, but I can't deny as if nothing happened if I am responsible.

There was a girl that I had previously mentioned in a post who I thought was just simply amazing. Well, turns out what was amazing was the idea that she spoke truth. I remember her mentioning certain things about ignoring certain guys whom have had some sort of connection with her, whether it be through friendship or more at one point or another. It's as if she just wants to deny that they didn't even happen. Now, I understand if a girl doesn't want to go through the process of breaking the news to a guy who happens to like her, or more, but have you ever considered what it was like for the other person? Yes, I'm sure you're thinking of the common "I made him sad and depressed, but he'll find someone better." Also, the whole idea of knowing that you are probably going to hurt someone, yet you still give hints of maybe genuinely liking them is total bullshit.

Why?

Because that is just going to make things even worse. You're playing with more than just those simple emotions. You have realize that you're also playing with the progression of their personality. And, really this can apply to both sexes. This is in no way one-sided. It works just like the whole first impression idea. How you are first presented is how a person will remember you. Later, they will get to know you a little better and then you'll have a more complete view of who that person is. Anyways, behaviors described like above will affect the way we interact with other people, especially when it has to deal with the now-not-so-sensitive issue of love.

I just wish she could understand that I am still in love with her.

But guess what? Now that I have mentioned this, and I have sent her an email and a message, she's probably going to add me to her list of stalkers. Yes, that's right. The guys who pretty like her or I guess who have fallen in love with her are now classified as her stalkers. Some how, I have a feeling she was just being extra nice to me when we met. Or was she? Was she genuinely interested in me, or not? Most likely, she will probably say "I don't know. I have a lot on my mind and I just can't deal with a relationship right now."

Why do I get the feeling she was lying? Also, why do I get the feeling she added me to her list of "ignored people" as well?

Well, that's because in the email reply and message, she hasn't responded. Sure, I guess I could call her too, but how much do you want to bet that she will come up with an excuse to get off the phone?

I don't know.

I swear she genuinely expressed interest in me. She has to know I was. For God's sake, why can't she understand that she doesn't have to take on the world by herself? Why can't she understand that she doesn't have to make everyone happy? And why was that a reason? Also, why is wrong to fall in love with someone after a week? Was some sort of rule about this that I wasn't informed of?

I had no idea love had these kinds of rules.

Please....God, help me. I just want her to understand that I am still in love with her.

I can see it now.....#whatever on her stalker list......

"...and ideas are bulletproof."

With the idea that we may all only have one chance to truly express our feelings, why is it that we all take them for granted? Even if we knew of the importance of the opportunity, we do not fully grasp the idea and instead let it slip through.

At least it seems like something that happens in my life.

It is something I will probably never understand, and I have struggled with it for so long. All the things that I take for granted could be gone any moment now, and yet I do not embrace every moment.

At least that was the case.

I guess in a way I feel more whole now. I do not feel this dark void tearing away at my soul, draining the very life out of my body. Before I would not really care what would happen to me. When it comes to friends, I always put them first.

Why?

Of course I would be presented with such a question. Is it for reasons to "fit in" with the crowd? Definitely not so. Most of the friends I am associated with are good people with good hearts.

Then why always put others first?

I guess in a sense no one really always puts others first. We are all selfish at one point or another, but that is not necessarily a bad thing either. It is a natural feeling to be concerned with oneself. No, it is not that I seek attention from them. No, not that. More that I feel I am not worth saving.

There was a question I remember about if I would sacrifice myself for the lives of 100,000 people. If that many lives of people I would either know or not know is worth more than my own.

Yes. I would.

I am but one person in this world. But to give 100,000 friends or strangers even just one more day to enjoy life, the answer to the question was simple. I am but one person in this world, but to give 100,000 people the idea that hope still survives in our society is where understanding lies.

"People shouldn't be afraid of their government. The government should be afriad of the people." - V

We are all but just one person in this world, but together we can all be so much more.

Life will go on. Hope will survive.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today was quite a day to miss class. In fact, I actually missed all of my classes, which of course, is not a good thing. But for some reason I really didn't want to go anywhere.

Why?

Let's just say I had a lot on my mind. If you haven't noticed, This post is the last part of a trilogy of posts from the last 3 days reflecting thoughts since the beginning of the month. So many things are happening and so many things are changing. I wonder if I'll ever be able to understand this all, but I won't give up hope. I guess that's one thing that has kept me thinking for a while. The idea of hope and what it really means.

"When all you gotta keep it strong, Move Along, Move Along, like I know you do."

"And even when your hope is gone, Move Along, Move Along, just to make it through." - All American Rejects's "Move Along" from the album "Move Along".

I used to think so little of hope. I guess you can say I was quite the pessimest in past years. But for the past couple of months, I given a thought to hope. Our natural instinct to keep fighting for what we truly believe in, even if the situation isn't in our favor. We push through. We move along. Lol, it's kinda funny how I could get that much from a song, but music is such an influence in my life. It's funny, I like to play some of my favorite songs in my head while walking to class, or anywhere really like a soundtrack to my life. In moments of excitement I may starting thinking "Burns Attacks" by Paul Oakenfold. In moments of reflection maybe "Slipping Away" by Avril Lavigne.

Wow, Avril Lavigne. I had the biggest crush on her for the longest time. I swear I wanted to marry her. I guess there has to be something said about reflecting your life through song that makes her so appealing. Her ability to open up and let us know about her. Allowing us to get to know her a little better. I will always enjoy her music. *sigh*.......

"Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. There is an idea,...and ideas are bulletproof." - V, from V for Vendetta.

As you no doubt have guessed, I had seen V for Vendetta I believe about 2 or 3 days ago at our local move theater here in Ames. As much as I loved the film, the problems it presented and confronted us with, the clashing ideals of the characters, and just the satirical emotion portrayed on the screen, that quote is one I think is one that will stick with me for a very long time. I remember the first thing I did when I came back from the film was hop on the Internet and look for that quote. It wasn't really to look for it because I didn't quite remember what was said, but more to save a souvenier of the film for myself to forever remember the movie. It wasn't that the movie impacted me that much, but it was enough to get a bit involved in the philosophies the film presented. The Wachoski Brothers I think have some of the greatest minds presenting such issues in film, as it seems in films these days feel pretty devoid of actual thought. The credibility of films have gone down a bit. Of course, I can't speak for everyone, but it's just something I noticed. I'm sure it will get better though.

I guess to change the pace a little, I have become involved in yet another relationship. Yeah, I guess for the people who have been paying attention, I haven't had the best luck with relationships.

Of the total of 3 relationships I have been involved with, only 1 of them was really considered a relationship.

Why you may ask?

The first was one that was setup blind. Meaning someone else had picked out the girl for me. What was funny was that it was my friend's cousin who was chosen for me to met. Sure, we lasted for more than a year, but now that I look back on it, I don't think we really did connect all that much. I mean there were playful moments running around in her backyard (I have to mention this was in 5th and 6th grade), but I don't think it was anymore than a really close friendship, bordering on relationship. There was no kissing involved, but we did hold hands alot. Of course, when it ended, it didn't really seem like much to her. I have to admit, I didn't really pay attention to all the signs if there were any, but then again we are talking about a grade school romance.

The second relationship was probably one of the most meaningful in my entire life. Of course, not considering I majorly screwed myself out of something that was bound to be a great, long lasting relationship. Yeah, this one was totally my fault. Even though the relationship was one I couldn't ask more of, it was also one of the greatest disappointments in my entire life.

Why?

Because I ended up doing something that normally happens to me and I try to avoid. I hurt her. I hurt her feelings enough to make us both cry. I still have no idea to this day what I was thinking, but I have admit there was some manipulation involved. Of course, now we're in high school. I was a bass clarinet in our high school band and she was blonde haired, blue eyes percussionist. I don't quite remember how we met, but we somehow ended up together.

I guess the best ones seem to always come out of nowhere, when you least expect it.

Again for a year and a half it was a great time. But as with all good things, it came to an end. It came to and end that neither of us wanted. The decision I made was a decision I vowed never to do.

To break her heart. And that's exactly what I did. And for what?

Oh yes, for the girl I was involved with in grade school. I did still have some feelings for her, but it was more in the back of my mind. And with her constant advances and flirting, I guess I had succumb to her seduction.

As soon as the relationship ended and I basically persued my first love (because you never really forget your first love). It was but a dream. An illusion, a fantasy in my mind. Here I was blinded by one and hurt another. From that point on, I made a pact with my very soul that I would never break another's heart.

I vowed to protect the lives of those I love no matter the cost. This is basically when I decided that I would always be in 2nd. My soul would even come second to those I love.

My life didn't matter anymore.

And to this day, I still don't stray from that pact. I rue the day I had broken someone's heart, and I swear I will never do it again. The pain from breaking another's heart was more than both us could handle. Of course will all things in life, we moved on.

Well, at least one of us did.

From that moment I broke her heart I couldn't forgive myself. What could be worse? Suicidal thoughts ran through my head all the time. My great fears were closing in on me and I had no control. Also, a sort of defense mechanism was built around my heart. A barrier or sorts that really did not help. It troubled me, until one day when I met my first girl from a different city.

Of course, I'll save that for part 2 of this post as I've noticed this has gone on for a long time and it's pretty late.

"...There is an idea,..."

But with the peace always lies something deeper within.

Do you ever get that certain feeling that something is not quite right? Or maybe that something has changed? Suddenly questions of validity arise and you are lost once again. What you were so sure of before is no longer certain.

*Why am I feeling like this? Sure, it's happened before but this is different...isn't it? I hate it when I become like this. I hate thinking like this. It drives me crazy. I can't help it. The past has done so much and suddenly I feel like this. Why can't I let this go? I want to let this go. I'm not giving up. It means too much.

It is as though we do not want it to be true and we fight to deny it. With the good always comes the bad. But we are given a choice.

We always have a choice.

We are given the choice to continue to run away and deny the truth. Or, we can stay and realize and understand the truth of the situation and actually perform what needs to be done.

We must take a stand.

Stand up for what we truly believe in and let it be known. The path to the truth can be difficult, but with opposition we gain further insight within ourselves and a deeper understanding of what we truly want.

Freedom. Justice. Peace. Love.

I believe if we wait for tomorrow, we may miss the opportunity. We must deliver, and we must deliver with all of our heart. For we may never get another chance.

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Just 2 days ago, a friend of mine took the journey into the heavens and be graced by the Lord's warm heart.

I sat and thought about who she was. What was her favorite color? What's her favorite kind of music? What movies did she like? What was she really like? I asked myself thinking that I never really got to know this person and now she is gone. For all the times previous I could have asked these questions, to become a closer friend to her I didn't. Sure, she was just a friend from work, but she still had the heart to open up to me and actually shed some light in my life. She couldn't have chosen a better moment to smile and say hi. All the greetings during those tiring morning shifts and lasting midday shifts......no longer presenting themselves.

Sometimes, I wonder what it's like to die. The feeling that would be coursing through me the moment my life ends. The moment of transition when nothing will ever be the same again. Yet, I am just one person in this world.

But so was she. And she wasn't just another person.

We may forget the physical person being there, but we will never forget who the person was.

Rest in peace, my friend.

"Beneath this mask there is more than flesh..."

Wow, it has been such a long time since I have written in this. I even think it has been almost a year since anything has been written in this web journal. Lol, I tell myself time and time again that I would promise to write in this journal everyday from now on and I never seem to follow through.

I could lie and say what everyone says about being too busy, but that is simply not true. In fact, I have given myself too much time off from the things that are important in life.

School...work...family...friends...a career.......love.

This spring break is unlike any other spring break I have experienced...both in high school and my college career thus far. So many things happened, and I guess I never really did any of the things I planned on doing, most of it being school work but how boring would that have been? Of course, now I'm going to have to work pretty hard to catch up. I guess I asked for it, but I actually don't mind having the workload this time.

Not this time. Because something, or should I say someone, new has entered my life...

It was a boring tuesday night near the beginning of the spring break week. Staying in Ames was not the best idea in the world, but there really wasn't anywhere else to go. So, it was quite boring because no one was around.

At least, I thought so.

A friend of mine happened to give me a chance call that night when I thought about giving up and going to sleep instead of staying up being bored to death. His call directed me to meet with him and another at the restaurant Perkins to grab a bite to eat. I figure anything is better than the daily bordem of doing nothing or playing games, because to be honest playing games that day felt pretty boring.

As I begin to walk towards Perkins from my car in the parking lot, I did feel a little anxiety. I have to admit, I do get a bit nervous and quiet around new faces. I walk in and searched for my friend for a few seconds...then there he is, with her.

Short brunette hair...blue jacket...a youthful, pretty face...

I sit down and greet my friend and introduce myself to her. Although the "hi" seemed pretty rushed, I would not have doubted that she would not have any interest in speaking with someone she does not know. But, without further or due, sliding into the conversation between them was not too hard and I guess was not intruding on my part according to their reactions.

*Well, things seem to be going good so far. I haven't spoken or even seen my friend in the longest time. Guess it doesn't help the fact that I live far away from campus. So this is who I heard in the background? Wow, I have to admit, she is quite pretty. She seems easy going. Maybe I'll join in on the conversation.*

The conversation in Perkins lasted a good while, of course with a section in time for us to enjoy our food...or at least while they still had some (she and my friend happened to have split their meals, thinking they would not eat much). Ironically, I had too much and ended up not feeling all the more better. Especially after we all returned to my friend's living quarters. From there, the fun continued with a great Family Guy marathon of sorts until approximately 7 am. It was at that point he could no longer go on and had to rest for he did have his obligation to fulfill at his lab later that day. I didn't blame him. We were all quite tired, but she and I felt we could continue...

*Wow, this girl is amazing. I feel like I could talk forever with her. I cant't stop talking with her, laughing with her, sharing with her. We really talked alot during Family Guy. Quoting the characters, making fun of each other. My friend included of course. I hope this continues.*

Sure enough, it did continue. It continued into the noon hour in fact. While my friend lied dormant in his bed, she and I continued to converse with each other. Speaking of things ranging from Family Guy, to our very lives. Even making references to Family Guy according to our lives. We lost track of time and eventually were escorted out of my friend's room as he had to leave for lab. Of course, I followed her because I honestly did not want to leave. As we headed towards her living quarters, which is actually down the hall from my friend's room, I remember that I had to inform my roommate back at my apartment about something. I cannot quite recall at the moment, but I believe it had something to do with the new apartment we were going to live in. Anyways, the conversation with her ended up continuing into the slight afternoon until we just couldn't continue any longer because we simply did not have enough energy to converse because of lack of sleep.

*Peaceful. I feel so peaceful.*

For each continuous day afterwards till now, I always remember the first day. I guess it is something I do not want to forget.

For once...just once...I found a small measure of peace.