The amazing things we do.

Ok, so I guess certain behaviors are not as amazing as I thought. But you have to admit, sometimes we can act a little strange at times. One such is the idea of ignoring someone. It's usually associated with idea of being annoyed with someone or something, so we try not to pay attention to it, or ignore it. But I guess another case in which I've noticed the technique of ignoring is used is when you are afraid of something. Sometimes we don't want to bear the pain of going through a process that is probably less than spectacular. I have to admit, I would love to just ignore all of my problems, but I can't deny as if nothing happened if I am responsible.

There was a girl that I had previously mentioned in a post who I thought was just simply amazing. Well, turns out what was amazing was the idea that she spoke truth. I remember her mentioning certain things about ignoring certain guys whom have had some sort of connection with her, whether it be through friendship or more at one point or another. It's as if she just wants to deny that they didn't even happen. Now, I understand if a girl doesn't want to go through the process of breaking the news to a guy who happens to like her, or more, but have you ever considered what it was like for the other person? Yes, I'm sure you're thinking of the common "I made him sad and depressed, but he'll find someone better." Also, the whole idea of knowing that you are probably going to hurt someone, yet you still give hints of maybe genuinely liking them is total bullshit.

Why?

Because that is just going to make things even worse. You're playing with more than just those simple emotions. You have realize that you're also playing with the progression of their personality. And, really this can apply to both sexes. This is in no way one-sided. It works just like the whole first impression idea. How you are first presented is how a person will remember you. Later, they will get to know you a little better and then you'll have a more complete view of who that person is. Anyways, behaviors described like above will affect the way we interact with other people, especially when it has to deal with the now-not-so-sensitive issue of love.

I just wish she could understand that I am still in love with her.

But guess what? Now that I have mentioned this, and I have sent her an email and a message, she's probably going to add me to her list of stalkers. Yes, that's right. The guys who pretty like her or I guess who have fallen in love with her are now classified as her stalkers. Some how, I have a feeling she was just being extra nice to me when we met. Or was she? Was she genuinely interested in me, or not? Most likely, she will probably say "I don't know. I have a lot on my mind and I just can't deal with a relationship right now."

Why do I get the feeling she was lying? Also, why do I get the feeling she added me to her list of "ignored people" as well?

Well, that's because in the email reply and message, she hasn't responded. Sure, I guess I could call her too, but how much do you want to bet that she will come up with an excuse to get off the phone?

I don't know.

I swear she genuinely expressed interest in me. She has to know I was. For God's sake, why can't she understand that she doesn't have to take on the world by herself? Why can't she understand that she doesn't have to make everyone happy? And why was that a reason? Also, why is wrong to fall in love with someone after a week? Was some sort of rule about this that I wasn't informed of?

I had no idea love had these kinds of rules.

Please....God, help me. I just want her to understand that I am still in love with her.

I can see it now.....#whatever on her stalker list......

"...and ideas are bulletproof."

With the idea that we may all only have one chance to truly express our feelings, why is it that we all take them for granted? Even if we knew of the importance of the opportunity, we do not fully grasp the idea and instead let it slip through.

At least it seems like something that happens in my life.

It is something I will probably never understand, and I have struggled with it for so long. All the things that I take for granted could be gone any moment now, and yet I do not embrace every moment.

At least that was the case.

I guess in a way I feel more whole now. I do not feel this dark void tearing away at my soul, draining the very life out of my body. Before I would not really care what would happen to me. When it comes to friends, I always put them first.

Why?

Of course I would be presented with such a question. Is it for reasons to "fit in" with the crowd? Definitely not so. Most of the friends I am associated with are good people with good hearts.

Then why always put others first?

I guess in a sense no one really always puts others first. We are all selfish at one point or another, but that is not necessarily a bad thing either. It is a natural feeling to be concerned with oneself. No, it is not that I seek attention from them. No, not that. More that I feel I am not worth saving.

There was a question I remember about if I would sacrifice myself for the lives of 100,000 people. If that many lives of people I would either know or not know is worth more than my own.

Yes. I would.

I am but one person in this world. But to give 100,000 friends or strangers even just one more day to enjoy life, the answer to the question was simple. I am but one person in this world, but to give 100,000 people the idea that hope still survives in our society is where understanding lies.

"People shouldn't be afraid of their government. The government should be afriad of the people." - V

We are all but just one person in this world, but together we can all be so much more.

Life will go on. Hope will survive.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today was quite a day to miss class. In fact, I actually missed all of my classes, which of course, is not a good thing. But for some reason I really didn't want to go anywhere.

Why?

Let's just say I had a lot on my mind. If you haven't noticed, This post is the last part of a trilogy of posts from the last 3 days reflecting thoughts since the beginning of the month. So many things are happening and so many things are changing. I wonder if I'll ever be able to understand this all, but I won't give up hope. I guess that's one thing that has kept me thinking for a while. The idea of hope and what it really means.

"When all you gotta keep it strong, Move Along, Move Along, like I know you do."

"And even when your hope is gone, Move Along, Move Along, just to make it through." - All American Rejects's "Move Along" from the album "Move Along".

I used to think so little of hope. I guess you can say I was quite the pessimest in past years. But for the past couple of months, I given a thought to hope. Our natural instinct to keep fighting for what we truly believe in, even if the situation isn't in our favor. We push through. We move along. Lol, it's kinda funny how I could get that much from a song, but music is such an influence in my life. It's funny, I like to play some of my favorite songs in my head while walking to class, or anywhere really like a soundtrack to my life. In moments of excitement I may starting thinking "Burns Attacks" by Paul Oakenfold. In moments of reflection maybe "Slipping Away" by Avril Lavigne.

Wow, Avril Lavigne. I had the biggest crush on her for the longest time. I swear I wanted to marry her. I guess there has to be something said about reflecting your life through song that makes her so appealing. Her ability to open up and let us know about her. Allowing us to get to know her a little better. I will always enjoy her music. *sigh*.......

"Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. There is an idea,...and ideas are bulletproof." - V, from V for Vendetta.

As you no doubt have guessed, I had seen V for Vendetta I believe about 2 or 3 days ago at our local move theater here in Ames. As much as I loved the film, the problems it presented and confronted us with, the clashing ideals of the characters, and just the satirical emotion portrayed on the screen, that quote is one I think is one that will stick with me for a very long time. I remember the first thing I did when I came back from the film was hop on the Internet and look for that quote. It wasn't really to look for it because I didn't quite remember what was said, but more to save a souvenier of the film for myself to forever remember the movie. It wasn't that the movie impacted me that much, but it was enough to get a bit involved in the philosophies the film presented. The Wachoski Brothers I think have some of the greatest minds presenting such issues in film, as it seems in films these days feel pretty devoid of actual thought. The credibility of films have gone down a bit. Of course, I can't speak for everyone, but it's just something I noticed. I'm sure it will get better though.

I guess to change the pace a little, I have become involved in yet another relationship. Yeah, I guess for the people who have been paying attention, I haven't had the best luck with relationships.

Of the total of 3 relationships I have been involved with, only 1 of them was really considered a relationship.

Why you may ask?

The first was one that was setup blind. Meaning someone else had picked out the girl for me. What was funny was that it was my friend's cousin who was chosen for me to met. Sure, we lasted for more than a year, but now that I look back on it, I don't think we really did connect all that much. I mean there were playful moments running around in her backyard (I have to mention this was in 5th and 6th grade), but I don't think it was anymore than a really close friendship, bordering on relationship. There was no kissing involved, but we did hold hands alot. Of course, when it ended, it didn't really seem like much to her. I have to admit, I didn't really pay attention to all the signs if there were any, but then again we are talking about a grade school romance.

The second relationship was probably one of the most meaningful in my entire life. Of course, not considering I majorly screwed myself out of something that was bound to be a great, long lasting relationship. Yeah, this one was totally my fault. Even though the relationship was one I couldn't ask more of, it was also one of the greatest disappointments in my entire life.

Why?

Because I ended up doing something that normally happens to me and I try to avoid. I hurt her. I hurt her feelings enough to make us both cry. I still have no idea to this day what I was thinking, but I have admit there was some manipulation involved. Of course, now we're in high school. I was a bass clarinet in our high school band and she was blonde haired, blue eyes percussionist. I don't quite remember how we met, but we somehow ended up together.

I guess the best ones seem to always come out of nowhere, when you least expect it.

Again for a year and a half it was a great time. But as with all good things, it came to an end. It came to and end that neither of us wanted. The decision I made was a decision I vowed never to do.

To break her heart. And that's exactly what I did. And for what?

Oh yes, for the girl I was involved with in grade school. I did still have some feelings for her, but it was more in the back of my mind. And with her constant advances and flirting, I guess I had succumb to her seduction.

As soon as the relationship ended and I basically persued my first love (because you never really forget your first love). It was but a dream. An illusion, a fantasy in my mind. Here I was blinded by one and hurt another. From that point on, I made a pact with my very soul that I would never break another's heart.

I vowed to protect the lives of those I love no matter the cost. This is basically when I decided that I would always be in 2nd. My soul would even come second to those I love.

My life didn't matter anymore.

And to this day, I still don't stray from that pact. I rue the day I had broken someone's heart, and I swear I will never do it again. The pain from breaking another's heart was more than both us could handle. Of course will all things in life, we moved on.

Well, at least one of us did.

From that moment I broke her heart I couldn't forgive myself. What could be worse? Suicidal thoughts ran through my head all the time. My great fears were closing in on me and I had no control. Also, a sort of defense mechanism was built around my heart. A barrier or sorts that really did not help. It troubled me, until one day when I met my first girl from a different city.

Of course, I'll save that for part 2 of this post as I've noticed this has gone on for a long time and it's pretty late.

"...There is an idea,..."

But with the peace always lies something deeper within.

Do you ever get that certain feeling that something is not quite right? Or maybe that something has changed? Suddenly questions of validity arise and you are lost once again. What you were so sure of before is no longer certain.

*Why am I feeling like this? Sure, it's happened before but this is different...isn't it? I hate it when I become like this. I hate thinking like this. It drives me crazy. I can't help it. The past has done so much and suddenly I feel like this. Why can't I let this go? I want to let this go. I'm not giving up. It means too much.

It is as though we do not want it to be true and we fight to deny it. With the good always comes the bad. But we are given a choice.

We always have a choice.

We are given the choice to continue to run away and deny the truth. Or, we can stay and realize and understand the truth of the situation and actually perform what needs to be done.

We must take a stand.

Stand up for what we truly believe in and let it be known. The path to the truth can be difficult, but with opposition we gain further insight within ourselves and a deeper understanding of what we truly want.

Freedom. Justice. Peace. Love.

I believe if we wait for tomorrow, we may miss the opportunity. We must deliver, and we must deliver with all of our heart. For we may never get another chance.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just 2 days ago, a friend of mine took the journey into the heavens and be graced by the Lord's warm heart.

I sat and thought about who she was. What was her favorite color? What's her favorite kind of music? What movies did she like? What was she really like? I asked myself thinking that I never really got to know this person and now she is gone. For all the times previous I could have asked these questions, to become a closer friend to her I didn't. Sure, she was just a friend from work, but she still had the heart to open up to me and actually shed some light in my life. She couldn't have chosen a better moment to smile and say hi. All the greetings during those tiring morning shifts and lasting midday shifts......no longer presenting themselves.

Sometimes, I wonder what it's like to die. The feeling that would be coursing through me the moment my life ends. The moment of transition when nothing will ever be the same again. Yet, I am just one person in this world.

But so was she. And she wasn't just another person.

We may forget the physical person being there, but we will never forget who the person was.

Rest in peace, my friend.

"Beneath this mask there is more than flesh..."

Wow, it has been such a long time since I have written in this. I even think it has been almost a year since anything has been written in this web journal. Lol, I tell myself time and time again that I would promise to write in this journal everyday from now on and I never seem to follow through.

I could lie and say what everyone says about being too busy, but that is simply not true. In fact, I have given myself too much time off from the things that are important in life.

School...work...family...friends...a career.......love.

This spring break is unlike any other spring break I have experienced...both in high school and my college career thus far. So many things happened, and I guess I never really did any of the things I planned on doing, most of it being school work but how boring would that have been? Of course, now I'm going to have to work pretty hard to catch up. I guess I asked for it, but I actually don't mind having the workload this time.

Not this time. Because something, or should I say someone, new has entered my life...

It was a boring tuesday night near the beginning of the spring break week. Staying in Ames was not the best idea in the world, but there really wasn't anywhere else to go. So, it was quite boring because no one was around.

At least, I thought so.

A friend of mine happened to give me a chance call that night when I thought about giving up and going to sleep instead of staying up being bored to death. His call directed me to meet with him and another at the restaurant Perkins to grab a bite to eat. I figure anything is better than the daily bordem of doing nothing or playing games, because to be honest playing games that day felt pretty boring.

As I begin to walk towards Perkins from my car in the parking lot, I did feel a little anxiety. I have to admit, I do get a bit nervous and quiet around new faces. I walk in and searched for my friend for a few seconds...then there he is, with her.

Short brunette hair...blue jacket...a youthful, pretty face...

I sit down and greet my friend and introduce myself to her. Although the "hi" seemed pretty rushed, I would not have doubted that she would not have any interest in speaking with someone she does not know. But, without further or due, sliding into the conversation between them was not too hard and I guess was not intruding on my part according to their reactions.

*Well, things seem to be going good so far. I haven't spoken or even seen my friend in the longest time. Guess it doesn't help the fact that I live far away from campus. So this is who I heard in the background? Wow, I have to admit, she is quite pretty. She seems easy going. Maybe I'll join in on the conversation.*

The conversation in Perkins lasted a good while, of course with a section in time for us to enjoy our food...or at least while they still had some (she and my friend happened to have split their meals, thinking they would not eat much). Ironically, I had too much and ended up not feeling all the more better. Especially after we all returned to my friend's living quarters. From there, the fun continued with a great Family Guy marathon of sorts until approximately 7 am. It was at that point he could no longer go on and had to rest for he did have his obligation to fulfill at his lab later that day. I didn't blame him. We were all quite tired, but she and I felt we could continue...

*Wow, this girl is amazing. I feel like I could talk forever with her. I cant't stop talking with her, laughing with her, sharing with her. We really talked alot during Family Guy. Quoting the characters, making fun of each other. My friend included of course. I hope this continues.*

Sure enough, it did continue. It continued into the noon hour in fact. While my friend lied dormant in his bed, she and I continued to converse with each other. Speaking of things ranging from Family Guy, to our very lives. Even making references to Family Guy according to our lives. We lost track of time and eventually were escorted out of my friend's room as he had to leave for lab. Of course, I followed her because I honestly did not want to leave. As we headed towards her living quarters, which is actually down the hall from my friend's room, I remember that I had to inform my roommate back at my apartment about something. I cannot quite recall at the moment, but I believe it had something to do with the new apartment we were going to live in. Anyways, the conversation with her ended up continuing into the slight afternoon until we just couldn't continue any longer because we simply did not have enough energy to converse because of lack of sleep.

*Peaceful. I feel so peaceful.*

For each continuous day afterwards till now, I always remember the first day. I guess it is something I do not want to forget.

For once...just once...I found a small measure of peace.