Skies of Light and Blood

Well, it's about 2:15 am and I'm in the College of Design building. Why? Because I just ran out of time trying to finish up my final project.

Yes. That's right. My final project.

Obviously, this is really going to hurt my chances of earning a good grade in the course, but for some reason I don't feel all that bad. I mean sure, I feel like an idiot and all the "could have, should have" stuff is beginning to surface in my mind. I really think I'm going to get thrashed this semester. Something happened that affected my entire semester, and I don't just mean school either.

Not only am I going to do poorly this semester, but I haven't been doing any better at work either. I've missed a day and a meeting, been late probably on 3 different occassions. So, I've been written up and now I'm on my final warning before they give me the boot.

How fucked up is that? I don't understand.

For some reason I just lacked the ability to really do anything. Well, except for spending more time on World of Warcraft in one week than I normally do in a month, and constantly drawing and sketching things that don't even count for any of my design classes. Plus, I'm thinking of basically changing my entire focus now, which pretty much boils down to changing my major.......again, and it's my junior year in the integrated studio arts program. Well, I guess it's not really that I want to change my major, but change my focus within the program.....and maybe a little outside of the program.

I used to be all about the 3D modeling and animation when I first entered. But just from all the exposure that I've been getting with other disciplines like graphic design, web design, and illustration I'm thinking of changing my focus. Of course, this pretty much means at least another 4 years of school, which is not going to be light on the bank account.

Oh yeah, did I mention I owe about $900 on a credit card and I have only $5.41 in my checking account?

Yeah, you tell me if I'm having a stellar semester.

Lucky for me though my parents (mainly my mother) care enough to give me money when I need it. I really think she's just spending her retirement funds away on me. She doesn't shouldn't be doing that. As much as I know she wants the best for me, she needs to take care of herself as well. I don't want her to have to retire at later age than the average. I feel so bad for my parents because they have dedicated a lot of their life to me and I haven't even really discovered what I truly want to do. If I could, I'd do it all, but unfortunately we don't have that kind of time.

*sigh*

What am I going to do with my life? I've already signed my new lease at a new apartment with two good friends, but I'm thinking of going back to my hometown and really try to hash things out over the summer. I also think I'm getting a little tired of working at Best Buy, so maybe if I ask early enough I can become the assistant manager of my hometown's community pool. I've worked their for 5 years as a full time lifeguard, so they are familiar with me. I just hope I ask early enough.

I hope this all works out, because I have some major thinking to do.

God, please give me a break.

P.S.

The time stamp for this post is wrong. fyi.