The amazing things we do.

Ok, so I guess certain behaviors are not as amazing as I thought. But you have to admit, sometimes we can act a little strange at times. One such is the idea of ignoring someone. It's usually associated with idea of being annoyed with someone or something, so we try not to pay attention to it, or ignore it. But I guess another case in which I've noticed the technique of ignoring is used is when you are afraid of something. Sometimes we don't want to bear the pain of going through a process that is probably less than spectacular. I have to admit, I would love to just ignore all of my problems, but I can't deny as if nothing happened if I am responsible.

There was a girl that I had previously mentioned in a post who I thought was just simply amazing. Well, turns out what was amazing was the idea that she spoke truth. I remember her mentioning certain things about ignoring certain guys whom have had some sort of connection with her, whether it be through friendship or more at one point or another. It's as if she just wants to deny that they didn't even happen. Now, I understand if a girl doesn't want to go through the process of breaking the news to a guy who happens to like her, or more, but have you ever considered what it was like for the other person? Yes, I'm sure you're thinking of the common "I made him sad and depressed, but he'll find someone better." Also, the whole idea of knowing that you are probably going to hurt someone, yet you still give hints of maybe genuinely liking them is total bullshit.

Why?

Because that is just going to make things even worse. You're playing with more than just those simple emotions. You have realize that you're also playing with the progression of their personality. And, really this can apply to both sexes. This is in no way one-sided. It works just like the whole first impression idea. How you are first presented is how a person will remember you. Later, they will get to know you a little better and then you'll have a more complete view of who that person is. Anyways, behaviors described like above will affect the way we interact with other people, especially when it has to deal with the now-not-so-sensitive issue of love.

I just wish she could understand that I am still in love with her.

But guess what? Now that I have mentioned this, and I have sent her an email and a message, she's probably going to add me to her list of stalkers. Yes, that's right. The guys who pretty like her or I guess who have fallen in love with her are now classified as her stalkers. Some how, I have a feeling she was just being extra nice to me when we met. Or was she? Was she genuinely interested in me, or not? Most likely, she will probably say "I don't know. I have a lot on my mind and I just can't deal with a relationship right now."

Why do I get the feeling she was lying? Also, why do I get the feeling she added me to her list of "ignored people" as well?

Well, that's because in the email reply and message, she hasn't responded. Sure, I guess I could call her too, but how much do you want to bet that she will come up with an excuse to get off the phone?

I don't know.

I swear she genuinely expressed interest in me. She has to know I was. For God's sake, why can't she understand that she doesn't have to take on the world by herself? Why can't she understand that she doesn't have to make everyone happy? And why was that a reason? Also, why is wrong to fall in love with someone after a week? Was some sort of rule about this that I wasn't informed of?

I had no idea love had these kinds of rules.

Please....God, help me. I just want her to understand that I am still in love with her.

I can see it now.....#whatever on her stalker list......

"...and ideas are bulletproof."

With the idea that we may all only have one chance to truly express our feelings, why is it that we all take them for granted? Even if we knew of the importance of the opportunity, we do not fully grasp the idea and instead let it slip through.

At least it seems like something that happens in my life.

It is something I will probably never understand, and I have struggled with it for so long. All the things that I take for granted could be gone any moment now, and yet I do not embrace every moment.

At least that was the case.

I guess in a way I feel more whole now. I do not feel this dark void tearing away at my soul, draining the very life out of my body. Before I would not really care what would happen to me. When it comes to friends, I always put them first.

Why?

Of course I would be presented with such a question. Is it for reasons to "fit in" with the crowd? Definitely not so. Most of the friends I am associated with are good people with good hearts.

Then why always put others first?

I guess in a sense no one really always puts others first. We are all selfish at one point or another, but that is not necessarily a bad thing either. It is a natural feeling to be concerned with oneself. No, it is not that I seek attention from them. No, not that. More that I feel I am not worth saving.

There was a question I remember about if I would sacrifice myself for the lives of 100,000 people. If that many lives of people I would either know or not know is worth more than my own.

Yes. I would.

I am but one person in this world. But to give 100,000 friends or strangers even just one more day to enjoy life, the answer to the question was simple. I am but one person in this world, but to give 100,000 people the idea that hope still survives in our society is where understanding lies.

"People shouldn't be afraid of their government. The government should be afriad of the people." - V

We are all but just one person in this world, but together we can all be so much more.

Life will go on. Hope will survive.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today was quite a day to miss class. In fact, I actually missed all of my classes, which of course, is not a good thing. But for some reason I really didn't want to go anywhere.

Why?

Let's just say I had a lot on my mind. If you haven't noticed, This post is the last part of a trilogy of posts from the last 3 days reflecting thoughts since the beginning of the month. So many things are happening and so many things are changing. I wonder if I'll ever be able to understand this all, but I won't give up hope. I guess that's one thing that has kept me thinking for a while. The idea of hope and what it really means.

"When all you gotta keep it strong, Move Along, Move Along, like I know you do."

"And even when your hope is gone, Move Along, Move Along, just to make it through." - All American Rejects's "Move Along" from the album "Move Along".

I used to think so little of hope. I guess you can say I was quite the pessimest in past years. But for the past couple of months, I given a thought to hope. Our natural instinct to keep fighting for what we truly believe in, even if the situation isn't in our favor. We push through. We move along. Lol, it's kinda funny how I could get that much from a song, but music is such an influence in my life. It's funny, I like to play some of my favorite songs in my head while walking to class, or anywhere really like a soundtrack to my life. In moments of excitement I may starting thinking "Burns Attacks" by Paul Oakenfold. In moments of reflection maybe "Slipping Away" by Avril Lavigne.

Wow, Avril Lavigne. I had the biggest crush on her for the longest time. I swear I wanted to marry her. I guess there has to be something said about reflecting your life through song that makes her so appealing. Her ability to open up and let us know about her. Allowing us to get to know her a little better. I will always enjoy her music. *sigh*.......

"Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. There is an idea,...and ideas are bulletproof." - V, from V for Vendetta.

As you no doubt have guessed, I had seen V for Vendetta I believe about 2 or 3 days ago at our local move theater here in Ames. As much as I loved the film, the problems it presented and confronted us with, the clashing ideals of the characters, and just the satirical emotion portrayed on the screen, that quote is one I think is one that will stick with me for a very long time. I remember the first thing I did when I came back from the film was hop on the Internet and look for that quote. It wasn't really to look for it because I didn't quite remember what was said, but more to save a souvenier of the film for myself to forever remember the movie. It wasn't that the movie impacted me that much, but it was enough to get a bit involved in the philosophies the film presented. The Wachoski Brothers I think have some of the greatest minds presenting such issues in film, as it seems in films these days feel pretty devoid of actual thought. The credibility of films have gone down a bit. Of course, I can't speak for everyone, but it's just something I noticed. I'm sure it will get better though.

I guess to change the pace a little, I have become involved in yet another relationship. Yeah, I guess for the people who have been paying attention, I haven't had the best luck with relationships.

Of the total of 3 relationships I have been involved with, only 1 of them was really considered a relationship.

Why you may ask?

The first was one that was setup blind. Meaning someone else had picked out the girl for me. What was funny was that it was my friend's cousin who was chosen for me to met. Sure, we lasted for more than a year, but now that I look back on it, I don't think we really did connect all that much. I mean there were playful moments running around in her backyard (I have to mention this was in 5th and 6th grade), but I don't think it was anymore than a really close friendship, bordering on relationship. There was no kissing involved, but we did hold hands alot. Of course, when it ended, it didn't really seem like much to her. I have to admit, I didn't really pay attention to all the signs if there were any, but then again we are talking about a grade school romance.

The second relationship was probably one of the most meaningful in my entire life. Of course, not considering I majorly screwed myself out of something that was bound to be a great, long lasting relationship. Yeah, this one was totally my fault. Even though the relationship was one I couldn't ask more of, it was also one of the greatest disappointments in my entire life.

Why?

Because I ended up doing something that normally happens to me and I try to avoid. I hurt her. I hurt her feelings enough to make us both cry. I still have no idea to this day what I was thinking, but I have admit there was some manipulation involved. Of course, now we're in high school. I was a bass clarinet in our high school band and she was blonde haired, blue eyes percussionist. I don't quite remember how we met, but we somehow ended up together.

I guess the best ones seem to always come out of nowhere, when you least expect it.

Again for a year and a half it was a great time. But as with all good things, it came to an end. It came to and end that neither of us wanted. The decision I made was a decision I vowed never to do.

To break her heart. And that's exactly what I did. And for what?

Oh yes, for the girl I was involved with in grade school. I did still have some feelings for her, but it was more in the back of my mind. And with her constant advances and flirting, I guess I had succumb to her seduction.

As soon as the relationship ended and I basically persued my first love (because you never really forget your first love). It was but a dream. An illusion, a fantasy in my mind. Here I was blinded by one and hurt another. From that point on, I made a pact with my very soul that I would never break another's heart.

I vowed to protect the lives of those I love no matter the cost. This is basically when I decided that I would always be in 2nd. My soul would even come second to those I love.

My life didn't matter anymore.

And to this day, I still don't stray from that pact. I rue the day I had broken someone's heart, and I swear I will never do it again. The pain from breaking another's heart was more than both us could handle. Of course will all things in life, we moved on.

Well, at least one of us did.

From that moment I broke her heart I couldn't forgive myself. What could be worse? Suicidal thoughts ran through my head all the time. My great fears were closing in on me and I had no control. Also, a sort of defense mechanism was built around my heart. A barrier or sorts that really did not help. It troubled me, until one day when I met my first girl from a different city.

Of course, I'll save that for part 2 of this post as I've noticed this has gone on for a long time and it's pretty late.

"...There is an idea,..."

But with the peace always lies something deeper within.

Do you ever get that certain feeling that something is not quite right? Or maybe that something has changed? Suddenly questions of validity arise and you are lost once again. What you were so sure of before is no longer certain.

*Why am I feeling like this? Sure, it's happened before but this is different...isn't it? I hate it when I become like this. I hate thinking like this. It drives me crazy. I can't help it. The past has done so much and suddenly I feel like this. Why can't I let this go? I want to let this go. I'm not giving up. It means too much.

It is as though we do not want it to be true and we fight to deny it. With the good always comes the bad. But we are given a choice.

We always have a choice.

We are given the choice to continue to run away and deny the truth. Or, we can stay and realize and understand the truth of the situation and actually perform what needs to be done.

We must take a stand.

Stand up for what we truly believe in and let it be known. The path to the truth can be difficult, but with opposition we gain further insight within ourselves and a deeper understanding of what we truly want.

Freedom. Justice. Peace. Love.

I believe if we wait for tomorrow, we may miss the opportunity. We must deliver, and we must deliver with all of our heart. For we may never get another chance.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just 2 days ago, a friend of mine took the journey into the heavens and be graced by the Lord's warm heart.

I sat and thought about who she was. What was her favorite color? What's her favorite kind of music? What movies did she like? What was she really like? I asked myself thinking that I never really got to know this person and now she is gone. For all the times previous I could have asked these questions, to become a closer friend to her I didn't. Sure, she was just a friend from work, but she still had the heart to open up to me and actually shed some light in my life. She couldn't have chosen a better moment to smile and say hi. All the greetings during those tiring morning shifts and lasting midday shifts......no longer presenting themselves.

Sometimes, I wonder what it's like to die. The feeling that would be coursing through me the moment my life ends. The moment of transition when nothing will ever be the same again. Yet, I am just one person in this world.

But so was she. And she wasn't just another person.

We may forget the physical person being there, but we will never forget who the person was.

Rest in peace, my friend.

"Beneath this mask there is more than flesh..."

Wow, it has been such a long time since I have written in this. I even think it has been almost a year since anything has been written in this web journal. Lol, I tell myself time and time again that I would promise to write in this journal everyday from now on and I never seem to follow through.

I could lie and say what everyone says about being too busy, but that is simply not true. In fact, I have given myself too much time off from the things that are important in life.

School...work...family...friends...a career.......love.

This spring break is unlike any other spring break I have experienced...both in high school and my college career thus far. So many things happened, and I guess I never really did any of the things I planned on doing, most of it being school work but how boring would that have been? Of course, now I'm going to have to work pretty hard to catch up. I guess I asked for it, but I actually don't mind having the workload this time.

Not this time. Because something, or should I say someone, new has entered my life...

It was a boring tuesday night near the beginning of the spring break week. Staying in Ames was not the best idea in the world, but there really wasn't anywhere else to go. So, it was quite boring because no one was around.

At least, I thought so.

A friend of mine happened to give me a chance call that night when I thought about giving up and going to sleep instead of staying up being bored to death. His call directed me to meet with him and another at the restaurant Perkins to grab a bite to eat. I figure anything is better than the daily bordem of doing nothing or playing games, because to be honest playing games that day felt pretty boring.

As I begin to walk towards Perkins from my car in the parking lot, I did feel a little anxiety. I have to admit, I do get a bit nervous and quiet around new faces. I walk in and searched for my friend for a few seconds...then there he is, with her.

Short brunette hair...blue jacket...a youthful, pretty face...

I sit down and greet my friend and introduce myself to her. Although the "hi" seemed pretty rushed, I would not have doubted that she would not have any interest in speaking with someone she does not know. But, without further or due, sliding into the conversation between them was not too hard and I guess was not intruding on my part according to their reactions.

*Well, things seem to be going good so far. I haven't spoken or even seen my friend in the longest time. Guess it doesn't help the fact that I live far away from campus. So this is who I heard in the background? Wow, I have to admit, she is quite pretty. She seems easy going. Maybe I'll join in on the conversation.*

The conversation in Perkins lasted a good while, of course with a section in time for us to enjoy our food...or at least while they still had some (she and my friend happened to have split their meals, thinking they would not eat much). Ironically, I had too much and ended up not feeling all the more better. Especially after we all returned to my friend's living quarters. From there, the fun continued with a great Family Guy marathon of sorts until approximately 7 am. It was at that point he could no longer go on and had to rest for he did have his obligation to fulfill at his lab later that day. I didn't blame him. We were all quite tired, but she and I felt we could continue...

*Wow, this girl is amazing. I feel like I could talk forever with her. I cant't stop talking with her, laughing with her, sharing with her. We really talked alot during Family Guy. Quoting the characters, making fun of each other. My friend included of course. I hope this continues.*

Sure enough, it did continue. It continued into the noon hour in fact. While my friend lied dormant in his bed, she and I continued to converse with each other. Speaking of things ranging from Family Guy, to our very lives. Even making references to Family Guy according to our lives. We lost track of time and eventually were escorted out of my friend's room as he had to leave for lab. Of course, I followed her because I honestly did not want to leave. As we headed towards her living quarters, which is actually down the hall from my friend's room, I remember that I had to inform my roommate back at my apartment about something. I cannot quite recall at the moment, but I believe it had something to do with the new apartment we were going to live in. Anyways, the conversation with her ended up continuing into the slight afternoon until we just couldn't continue any longer because we simply did not have enough energy to converse because of lack of sleep.

*Peaceful. I feel so peaceful.*

For each continuous day afterwards till now, I always remember the first day. I guess it is something I do not want to forget.

For once...just once...I found a small measure of peace.

A Day of Agony

Thinking...too much thinking. Is this exactly what I'm doing?

There are so many things I don't understand and I can't help but think about them all day. People, siutations.....

People: There is someone I guess I am seeing now. But, I'm not sure where we stand in terms of relationships. Are we in one? To be honest, it doesn't seem like it sometimes. I don't need to have a call from her everyday, but it seems like she would never really call me unless she really needed to, and not just to talk. I feel like I've been calling her all the time (which I probably have been) and seem more like a bother to her. But then again, I'm not sure. She doesn't know, but I love her more than she'll ever know. It's been quite a week. I'm not sure how this "relationship" started, but it was quick to develop. I guess it helps that we know each other a little bit. It just seemed like things clicked. We haven't actually dated or anything yet. She just hasn't the time...I guess. I don't blame her that she needs to spend some time with the parents before she heads off to college (which happens to be the same one I am currently attending), but it seems like those are the only reasons. I know she loves her family and they love her just as much...but it seems like everytime I contact her, she's always busy with something.

Am I just thinking too much of the situation? I guess I'm kind of known for thinking too much. I have to admit, it's been about 5 years since my last relationship, so I'm probably just in a desparate train of thought right now. It just doesn't seem like she's reciprocating the same feelings which bothers me.

I really do love her, but it hurts to not have those returned in someway. The night that we happened to become a lot closer to each other, we reciprocated our feelings to each other very well. Both physically and emotionally.

But lately it seems as though those feelings have died. My feelings for her won't die, but I don't know if I can say the same for her. I guess I could ask her, but I don't want to risk the fact that telling her of my uncertainty might end the "relationship". I guess I'm just afraid of heartbreak.

Another thing I notice is that I really feel uncertain when she's around her ex-boyfriend, who happens to be a good friend of mine. It's quite the situation.

I can't help but feel out of the loop being with her. It's like I want to get closer to her, but she won't let me near. Of course, it's still pretty early in the "relationship" to really determine anything. I mean, we haven't even gone out on a date yet. Which is kind of funny because my past 2 relationships started not with a date, but with conversation. In the past relationships, I could tell that something had started and I was certain that it was a relationship. That she was my significant other. I felt similar emotions reciprocated to me. For some reason, I'm not quite feeling this with this girl. I don't blame her, but I wish I could get some confirmation that she also would like to being a partnership.

Regardless of all this confusion, I still love her the same. It's as if my heart and my mind are not in the same place.

I don't know...if only I could hear those 3 words from her, I would know how I should feel.

Today's rant has gone a little long. In fact, a lot longer than I had planned. I'll write of "situations" tomorrow. But tonight, I have to go to sleep...and think things over some more.

Truly a day of mental agony and torture.

What is going on?

Wow, I'm surprised by the way things are going right now.

I have procrastinated on so many things lately, namely school work, which now isn't the best time to be doing so. You think I would have learnd my lesson of not procrastinating from staying up late at night into the early morning hours and hardly getting any sleep, but nope. I just don't understand why I do that to myself. I'm pretty sure that it isn't a healthy cycle of living. I'm like dead by the middle of the day, or even dead all day from sleeping only about 3 hours a night. :p

It sucks, but I can't help it!!! AAHHHH!

I just got a brand new Apple PowerBook G4 and now I don't think I deserve it because of my academic performance lately. Of course, I could punish myself by not allowing myself to use it, but come on, lol, that's not going to work.

Sigh.....I'm getting a little tired. I think I should go to sleep, and it's only 9:06 pm!!!

Craziness......

Strange Day, Strange Feeling

Well, other than being burried in homework and projects, I'm still feeling pretty good.

Could it be because I have a new computer now?

Could it be because I have noticed a beautiful girl has asked me to become her friend on facebook?

Could it be because I really don't give a crap about my homework and projects right now?

Could it be because I am so burried in homework and projects that I am just overwhelmed and confused?

I have no idea.

It's all a mystery to me. Tonight, I really should have been finishing up a phase of my project which really isn't due until after we come back from spring break :P So with that known, I'm really not going to complete this phase until the end of the this entire project since I do have the time. We're not even graded for anything until the end of this entire process! Enough of that though.

I can't really explain how I'm feeling right now. Other than feeling pretty tired, though I shouldn't be because I just slept for 12 hours :P, I'm feeling pretty strange. A good strange. One of those feelings where you can't really explain how you're feeling, but it feels kinda good.

Ahh!!

I got it! It's that feeling when you have nothing to worry about, when in actuality, you do. As funny as that sounds, there really isn't any other way I can explain myself. Whatever it is, I don't mind it and wouldn't mind it staying around for a while. It really helps relief all the stress that I have been experiencing with school, work, and life in general.

You know, I just noticed that it's been forever since I've written in this thing......could it be that with all this school and work that I just haven't had the time too??? (hint hint)

Plus of the day!

A very beautiful girl had asked me to be a friend of hers on thefacebook.com. I'm just ecstatic! I wonder how someone of her beauty would want to add me to her list. Even as a friend if nothing more. I've checked and made sure there were no connections between us that would be a factor to her adding me as a friend: groups, classes, other affiliations. Nothing.

Could it be that she genuinely added me as friend? I have no idea who she is and she adds me to her list???

Definitely something I'll be thinking about for a while....

The Space Between My Ears

Wow. It's been a long time since my last post. I guess I'm not quite used to confiding my feels and such to the likes of a post on the Internet for all to read. It's funny how we say things that we don't really mean. It brings up the point of why we even need to say anything if we aren't going to attach any meaning to what we say.

Better to say nothing than to say what we don't mean?

Probably. Such false claims can almost be thought of as obstruction of justice in friendships and even relationships. It's amazing how superficial we can all be at times. I admit, I've been quite superficial lately. Solely judging on the factor of exterior shells without really taking the time to see what's inside.

We are all dolls walking blindly in this world of illusion and dreams built by those more helplessly involved in their own little worlds of money and politics to even realize what they have wrought onto this world.

We take another step in the timeline of life, not knowing what each day will bring.

Nothing is promised. Words are just words, with the connection being implied possibly being false and of different meaning than what was originally conceived.

Our perceptions are altered ever more into what we want to see, rather than what is.

We try and change what is natural in the process of life. Fighting to deny what we have already justified as inevitable.

"Everything that has a beginning has an end". - The Oracle (The Matrix Revolutions)

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Wearing a little thin...

Man, lately I have been feeling pretty tired. I guess it doesn't help that I sleep late and get up early the morning to go to work and class. Not really a healthy cycle of living, but I've managed to get this far doing it so I think I'll last for the rest of the semester. Thanksgiving break isn't too much farther away, although it seems like an eternity for me since I'm typing all this out while being pretty out of it. I feel pretty shot and wearing thin...like I could fall asleep at any moment. Obviously, anyone else would just stop what their doing and just go to sleep, but for some reason I feel compelled to stay up. Like I can't go to sleep now since it's still early. I don't know why I do this, but I'm pretty sure my body isn't liking it. Anyways, I haven't really written too much in this blog, but I am on pre-production of my first actual homepage. I just downloaded some really cool web tools from a very well known and respect software company calld Macromedia. If you guessed the StudioMX webtools, then you're right, but you don't win any prizes unfortunately.

In other news, Doom 3 is one of the best games I've ever played. The realism is fantastic and I think Id Software really have outdone themselves. At least until Quake 4 is released. I haven't been playing too many video games lately. I just haven't really found the time to, or I'm just too tired to really do anything but sit here and chat on the computer or watch some mind-numbing television, i.e. Family Guy (which is one kick-ass, funny show).

The past couple of days have been quite a whirlwind of random events. I found out yesterday that I will be graduating 1 1/2 years late. I know I am allowing my friends to view this, but at this point I really don't care what they think of me. Hell, I don't even really think anything of myself. Anyways, Art History just kicked my ass and I'm going to have to retake that next year since it's not offered in the spring semester, which sucks ass because that's a semester longer than I wanted to wait to take it again. I just want to get it done and out of the way since I now know that I have 5 more art history classes to look forward too (great.....), oops, make that 6 since I am retaking one in the fall semester of next year. I swear, the things I do to myself.....I don't understand it. Maybe I don't care to understand it, but I don't know. I can't think that deep right now. I'm too out of it as I had just woken up from an apparent nap about oh, a half-hour ago? I'm not even sure. Since I like to sleep late and wake up early the next morning, my body tends to shutdown at random moments in the afternoon and evening hours. But it's funny, I've never experienced this kind of fluidity in thoughts before. It's like I have to be half asleep in order to get this way. Oh well, I guess I'm enjoying it for the time being seeing as how words to type are coming to me pretty easily right now.

Geez, I had just realized all the pointless shit that I have written for the past 10 minutes. Seems like I'm rambling. I probably am...

Well, I think that'll about do it for now.

Goodnight everyone.

Tension is building...

The past week has been one that has been anyting but relaxed. At least, that's what it seems like to me.

Here's the breakdown:

For the past couple of weeks, our apartment, containing 5 people, has been having some trouble keeping clean. Well, we have had a meeting about this problem since nothing was happening to fix it. It's been more than 2 weeks since that meeting and I guess still nothing has happened, if anything the situation got worse. I honestly have to say that I throw away or take care of anything that i use. As far as everyone else, I'm not sure.

Just today, one of my roommate's yelled out a statement that could have applied to anyone of us, but I'm sure it was directed at someone(s). Even though I can say that I don't think I had a hand in his anger, but I can't keep myself out of this situation. It's frustrating and hurtful. But, I guess I do tend to blame everything on me since I'm usually the cause of the problem. I don't know...

....I just listened to a voice mail that my roommate told me to listen to and I think I have figured out what is going on. I feel a litte relieved that it's not me that he's mad at, but he's mad at another one of my roommate's to also happens to be a good friend of mine. Unfortunately, he's doesn't have as strong of a connection as I do with the others, which puts him at a disadvantage. But, I have to admit that my friend that seems to be causing the frustration is in fact responsible. I can't sit back and lie, he is the cause of the frustration. I just hope that he doesn't realize quite yet why the others are frustrated. He tends to think highly of himself and his opinions, usually thinking he's the one that is right. I don't know, I hope this doesn't build up to the point something drastic must happen.

more to come....

Breaking The Habit

Probably one of the most influencial and inspirational songs I have come to listen to in my entire life. This song, performed by Linkin Park, has such powerful lyrics and is presented in a way to make you feel the desparation in the beginning, keeping the tension throughout the song, then end with the solution.

It sure was enough to make me change. It put somethings in my life into a perspective that I rarely would view upon myself. I was realizing things that I never really gave much thought. Such as why I act the way I do, but still feel inhibited. Maybe even contributing to why I'm having trouble finding myself. Recently, I discovered I act the way I do because I worry about what others may think of me. I constantly worry about what others think of me, which causes me to change certain aspects of my life so that I can "fit in", and I have pretty had enough of that. I am breaking the habit of following. I want to be myself, for myself, and not for others. The moments in which I can act without restaint and go on impulse feel so good. It's relieving and liberating, not caring what anyone else says about me. I guess I've come the point where I feel whatever others think of me isn't important enough for me to worry about so much it affects who I am.

"I don't know what's worth fighting for,
Or why I have to scream,
I don't why I instigate and say what I don't mean,
I don't how I got this way,
I know it's not alright,
So I'm Breaking The Habit tonight."

- Linkin Park

to be continued....

The Big Break

Everyone knows about it. Everyone encounters in at sometime in their life, whether it be during the early years of their life, or later on. The moment in someone's life that causes a huge shift in their lives that seems to put everything in place. The moment in someone's life that changes their life forever......The Big Break. The turning point that changes everything, ties up all the lose ends, and settles all scores. Everything they've been working for is rewarded. I know that I don't have any control as to when this will happen and that I shouldn't try to rush it, but so many things are happening that I can't get a grip on my life. Events in my life are flying by too fast for me to keep up. Basically, life seems to be passing me by. Everything I do is worth nothing in my life. At least that's what it seems like. I feel helpless as I watch my time go by. Wasted minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years just seeming so short and unfulfilled.

I feel empty inside....I feel like I have no.......purpose in this life. What's a person without purpose? I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going, and worst of all I don't know who I am. I've been searching but am coming up with no answers. I walk lost and lonely everyday of my life, regardless of how other people think I feel.

Something changed....why is this all happening to me? What did I do, or what didn't I do?

So many questions.......no answers.........

....to be continued.

College Part III: The Saga Continues

Ok, so college hasn't been going that bad but it's been so boring and full of doing things that I really don't want to do. To be honest, I would just like to live out my life now. Already have a home, a car, and my computer business. I would be perfectly happy with it, no matter what anyone would say. Of course, I would base it off of the performance on the computer business, but I have a feeling that it would perform with desirably. I'm just tired of going to school for so long. I mean you can only take so much of it. I happen to read a very interesting question regarding the higher education, and not in one instance but twice. The first was from the site www.msn.com when the question of whether college is really worth going to. Now, they did follow a college grad from Florida (I think...?) and she graduated with a BA in Business. Now that's pretty respectable, but she never found a position that suited her or that was open for her (I think, don't quote me. If you want exact details try to find the article. Better yet, I'll try and find it sometime for you all to view). She ended up settling with a job that barely made payments for her apartment and piles of student loans. Although I'm not running on any student loans, it's still a giant check to go towards something that might not workout. The other question that I encountered was featured on www.bolt.com from the "Member of the Day" segment of the website. She asked, "Do you think college is overrated?".

My answer: Totally

I really do believe that college is somewhat overrated because of the "importance" of getting a college education. Basically, anyone who does not go into college will probably never successful, or as successful as someone who does graduate from college. I think attending college is becoming a requirement in life and I don't think it should be. I think it should be more of a supplemental option. But, I guess training and such at the acutal job sites would cost the companies money and that whole economic jazz that I don't really want to go into right now.

I don't know. I just want to begin my life in the real world. It's quite a confusing dilemma for me right now. Don't ask why because I don't even know myself.

More to come.......

A Week Of Fun

Whew! Well, within the past week has been some of the greatest moments this summer yet!
 
First, I have found out that my fastest serve so far is 93 m.p.h. Yeah, it's absolutely pathetic compared to what the pro's are smashing, but I think that it will get my foot in the door for the Iowa Games this weekend, which is also going to be a lot of fun. I hope to smash a 100+ m.p.h. serve at the games, wish me luck!
 
Second, this week working at our local swimming pool has been a blast! So much has happened and it's been one hell of a ride so far! It seems like this summer keeps getting better and better! I hope this fall school year will be very much the same as I will be living in an apartment with some of my best friends.
 
Third, I finally have one of the most prized items that I've wanted for a long time: The Apple iPod! I just configured and installed all the software on it and my computer and I'm loving every minute of owning it! I can't wait to use it. Oh, and did I mention that I have purchased a voice recorder to go with it? It's so cool! Hopefully, it can help me with taking notes during lectures. Maybe i can sneak some extra shut eye....hehe ;)
 
Tomorrow is the last day of the weekdays and I hope to have just as much fun if not more. I'm pumped and ready to go to the Iowa Games this weekend, I love my new toy, and I'm loving my job as a lifeguard.
 
What more could I possibly want??? This is the life :)

This VPU (Video Processing Unit) will drop the hammer in what is to become one hell of a computer ;) Those that oppose will be destroyed into an oblivion! hehe :P :) 

A Sense of Identity

As the last couple of days have past, I feel more at ease of the person that I am and will be for the rest of my life. The jealousy's and would-could-should have's gone because I am at ease with myself and believe that I have found another part of myself in this quest which we call life.

Each day since Monday has been a continuous increase in my spirits as my confidence in who I am becomes higher and I reach a sense of identity and self that I feel the weight from my shoulders has been taken off. Especially when it comes to relationships. I have come to terms that running after love is just a setup for disappointment and despair as you see the ones that you have feelings for are with other people. Although it seems like a loss, which it essentially is, I believe that it has let me realize that I should embrace the time of now, instead of wasting my time in what should-could-would have been. I want those that I care for to find their path in life and discover their life while I discover mine.

Who will be the one? I don't know, but I'm sure that we will find each other sometime in our lifetimes.

These are the times in which we must make a choice in who we will become for the rest of our lives.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

As a side note, my quest for serving supremacy continues as I was stood up by a friend of mine who said was going to bring a radar gun to test my serve speed in tennis. I am going to guess my fastest serve speed to be around 120 mph.

More updates to come.........

Friends (cont.)

Do you ever get the feeling that your friends have left you out of the group? Like they forget about you and you're feeling disappointed and mad about them seeming to forget about you?

You wonder why they didn't happen to give you a ring and say "hey come hangout" or something along those lines? Then, you begin to wonder if they consider you a friend or a convenience?

This has bothered me for the longest time, but with all delicate situations you can't just blurt out saying what's on your mind....well, you could but it won't necessarily fix anything. I find it hard to address this issue with other friends, especially the ones that seem to be acting this way.

Is it some sort of natural experience when seeing your friends hanging out with other friends without your presence? The bad thing is they don't "realize" they are doing it and you get mad at them for supposedly leaving you out of the group. I tell you, even have friends can be a painful experience.

Untitled

It's one of those days in which I don't know if I am really who I really am. I don't understand who I am and what is going on around me. I'm really lost within the realm of myself. I can't really describe the feeling since it's a feeling that cannot be described.

Love has a part in this, although I'm not at all surprised of the outcome. I expected for it to go in a certain way and in turn does not inflict as much damage on my heart compared to if I wasn't prepared. What do I do now? To find out that there is someone else in her life and me not being able to not think of her during the whole school year we were apart.

What if I don't want to move on? What if I want to keep what I think is a good thing to hold onto? But it is still painful and I will probably never understand what love truly is.

I have yet to experience true love. When will that be?

Soon? Later? Never?

In a subject with no title, I am lost in the void that is the emptiness of my heart and soul.

I am not complete.

Friends

Just when you think you know someone, you begin to find out their true nature and alter your views about them. Whether good or bad, something within the years knowing each seems to be thrown off by little details here and there that alter and preconceptions of a person.

For me, the changes that I see are changes that seem like they are to become more of a long-term change. What I am talking about is the distancing of friends. I'm sure most people will experience this at sometime in their life, if they have not already. Old friends tend to distance themselves as new ones join in your life. This probably doesn't seem like much for most people seeing as how we pick up and move on. What happens when you don't want to let go of those friends? It can be a difficult time for yourself, but with your friends not seeing it that way. Makes you wonder if there was something you may have done wrong when in fact it could be true that a friend can indeed be bored with being with you for so long. Much like how a lot of relationships seem to end.

Friends I hold dear to my heart yet it doesn't seem as if that connection is agreed upon by the others.

If there was a way to start life all over again........

Father's Day

What a joyous and momentus day! Ok, not really but it's great when you can sleep in until 4:00 pm :) I guess it was my fault for not sleeping until 4:30 am this morning. Couldn't help it, had fun at my friend Kyle's little gathering.

Well, I'm already set for Father's Day. I feel kinda bad that the only thing I have for my father is a Father's Day card. Considering that I'm a college student and am broke because of it, hopefully I won't be ragged on too bad because of lack of money. I would have really liked to have given my father a digital camera since he would like to get one, but I don't quite have enough money for it. Even if I did, I would then be flat broke again and that isn't fun.

So much for the "joyous and mementus" day.

Pvt. Donut