"...and ideas are bulletproof."

With the idea that we may all only have one chance to truly express our feelings, why is it that we all take them for granted? Even if we knew of the importance of the opportunity, we do not fully grasp the idea and instead let it slip through.

At least it seems like something that happens in my life.

It is something I will probably never understand, and I have struggled with it for so long. All the things that I take for granted could be gone any moment now, and yet I do not embrace every moment.

At least that was the case.

I guess in a way I feel more whole now. I do not feel this dark void tearing away at my soul, draining the very life out of my body. Before I would not really care what would happen to me. When it comes to friends, I always put them first.

Why?

Of course I would be presented with such a question. Is it for reasons to "fit in" with the crowd? Definitely not so. Most of the friends I am associated with are good people with good hearts.

Then why always put others first?

I guess in a sense no one really always puts others first. We are all selfish at one point or another, but that is not necessarily a bad thing either. It is a natural feeling to be concerned with oneself. No, it is not that I seek attention from them. No, not that. More that I feel I am not worth saving.

There was a question I remember about if I would sacrifice myself for the lives of 100,000 people. If that many lives of people I would either know or not know is worth more than my own.

Yes. I would.

I am but one person in this world. But to give 100,000 friends or strangers even just one more day to enjoy life, the answer to the question was simple. I am but one person in this world, but to give 100,000 people the idea that hope still survives in our society is where understanding lies.

"People shouldn't be afraid of their government. The government should be afriad of the people." - V

We are all but just one person in this world, but together we can all be so much more.

Life will go on. Hope will survive.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today was quite a day to miss class. In fact, I actually missed all of my classes, which of course, is not a good thing. But for some reason I really didn't want to go anywhere.

Why?

Let's just say I had a lot on my mind. If you haven't noticed, This post is the last part of a trilogy of posts from the last 3 days reflecting thoughts since the beginning of the month. So many things are happening and so many things are changing. I wonder if I'll ever be able to understand this all, but I won't give up hope. I guess that's one thing that has kept me thinking for a while. The idea of hope and what it really means.

"When all you gotta keep it strong, Move Along, Move Along, like I know you do."

"And even when your hope is gone, Move Along, Move Along, just to make it through." - All American Rejects's "Move Along" from the album "Move Along".

I used to think so little of hope. I guess you can say I was quite the pessimest in past years. But for the past couple of months, I given a thought to hope. Our natural instinct to keep fighting for what we truly believe in, even if the situation isn't in our favor. We push through. We move along. Lol, it's kinda funny how I could get that much from a song, but music is such an influence in my life. It's funny, I like to play some of my favorite songs in my head while walking to class, or anywhere really like a soundtrack to my life. In moments of excitement I may starting thinking "Burns Attacks" by Paul Oakenfold. In moments of reflection maybe "Slipping Away" by Avril Lavigne.

Wow, Avril Lavigne. I had the biggest crush on her for the longest time. I swear I wanted to marry her. I guess there has to be something said about reflecting your life through song that makes her so appealing. Her ability to open up and let us know about her. Allowing us to get to know her a little better. I will always enjoy her music. *sigh*.......

"Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. There is an idea,...and ideas are bulletproof." - V, from V for Vendetta.

As you no doubt have guessed, I had seen V for Vendetta I believe about 2 or 3 days ago at our local move theater here in Ames. As much as I loved the film, the problems it presented and confronted us with, the clashing ideals of the characters, and just the satirical emotion portrayed on the screen, that quote is one I think is one that will stick with me for a very long time. I remember the first thing I did when I came back from the film was hop on the Internet and look for that quote. It wasn't really to look for it because I didn't quite remember what was said, but more to save a souvenier of the film for myself to forever remember the movie. It wasn't that the movie impacted me that much, but it was enough to get a bit involved in the philosophies the film presented. The Wachoski Brothers I think have some of the greatest minds presenting such issues in film, as it seems in films these days feel pretty devoid of actual thought. The credibility of films have gone down a bit. Of course, I can't speak for everyone, but it's just something I noticed. I'm sure it will get better though.

I guess to change the pace a little, I have become involved in yet another relationship. Yeah, I guess for the people who have been paying attention, I haven't had the best luck with relationships.

Of the total of 3 relationships I have been involved with, only 1 of them was really considered a relationship.

Why you may ask?

The first was one that was setup blind. Meaning someone else had picked out the girl for me. What was funny was that it was my friend's cousin who was chosen for me to met. Sure, we lasted for more than a year, but now that I look back on it, I don't think we really did connect all that much. I mean there were playful moments running around in her backyard (I have to mention this was in 5th and 6th grade), but I don't think it was anymore than a really close friendship, bordering on relationship. There was no kissing involved, but we did hold hands alot. Of course, when it ended, it didn't really seem like much to her. I have to admit, I didn't really pay attention to all the signs if there were any, but then again we are talking about a grade school romance.

The second relationship was probably one of the most meaningful in my entire life. Of course, not considering I majorly screwed myself out of something that was bound to be a great, long lasting relationship. Yeah, this one was totally my fault. Even though the relationship was one I couldn't ask more of, it was also one of the greatest disappointments in my entire life.

Why?

Because I ended up doing something that normally happens to me and I try to avoid. I hurt her. I hurt her feelings enough to make us both cry. I still have no idea to this day what I was thinking, but I have admit there was some manipulation involved. Of course, now we're in high school. I was a bass clarinet in our high school band and she was blonde haired, blue eyes percussionist. I don't quite remember how we met, but we somehow ended up together.

I guess the best ones seem to always come out of nowhere, when you least expect it.

Again for a year and a half it was a great time. But as with all good things, it came to an end. It came to and end that neither of us wanted. The decision I made was a decision I vowed never to do.

To break her heart. And that's exactly what I did. And for what?

Oh yes, for the girl I was involved with in grade school. I did still have some feelings for her, but it was more in the back of my mind. And with her constant advances and flirting, I guess I had succumb to her seduction.

As soon as the relationship ended and I basically persued my first love (because you never really forget your first love). It was but a dream. An illusion, a fantasy in my mind. Here I was blinded by one and hurt another. From that point on, I made a pact with my very soul that I would never break another's heart.

I vowed to protect the lives of those I love no matter the cost. This is basically when I decided that I would always be in 2nd. My soul would even come second to those I love.

My life didn't matter anymore.

And to this day, I still don't stray from that pact. I rue the day I had broken someone's heart, and I swear I will never do it again. The pain from breaking another's heart was more than both us could handle. Of course will all things in life, we moved on.

Well, at least one of us did.

From that moment I broke her heart I couldn't forgive myself. What could be worse? Suicidal thoughts ran through my head all the time. My great fears were closing in on me and I had no control. Also, a sort of defense mechanism was built around my heart. A barrier or sorts that really did not help. It troubled me, until one day when I met my first girl from a different city.

Of course, I'll save that for part 2 of this post as I've noticed this has gone on for a long time and it's pretty late.