A Day of Agony

Thinking...too much thinking. Is this exactly what I'm doing?

There are so many things I don't understand and I can't help but think about them all day. People, siutations.....

People: There is someone I guess I am seeing now. But, I'm not sure where we stand in terms of relationships. Are we in one? To be honest, it doesn't seem like it sometimes. I don't need to have a call from her everyday, but it seems like she would never really call me unless she really needed to, and not just to talk. I feel like I've been calling her all the time (which I probably have been) and seem more like a bother to her. But then again, I'm not sure. She doesn't know, but I love her more than she'll ever know. It's been quite a week. I'm not sure how this "relationship" started, but it was quick to develop. I guess it helps that we know each other a little bit. It just seemed like things clicked. We haven't actually dated or anything yet. She just hasn't the time...I guess. I don't blame her that she needs to spend some time with the parents before she heads off to college (which happens to be the same one I am currently attending), but it seems like those are the only reasons. I know she loves her family and they love her just as much...but it seems like everytime I contact her, she's always busy with something.

Am I just thinking too much of the situation? I guess I'm kind of known for thinking too much. I have to admit, it's been about 5 years since my last relationship, so I'm probably just in a desparate train of thought right now. It just doesn't seem like she's reciprocating the same feelings which bothers me.

I really do love her, but it hurts to not have those returned in someway. The night that we happened to become a lot closer to each other, we reciprocated our feelings to each other very well. Both physically and emotionally.

But lately it seems as though those feelings have died. My feelings for her won't die, but I don't know if I can say the same for her. I guess I could ask her, but I don't want to risk the fact that telling her of my uncertainty might end the "relationship". I guess I'm just afraid of heartbreak.

Another thing I notice is that I really feel uncertain when she's around her ex-boyfriend, who happens to be a good friend of mine. It's quite the situation.

I can't help but feel out of the loop being with her. It's like I want to get closer to her, but she won't let me near. Of course, it's still pretty early in the "relationship" to really determine anything. I mean, we haven't even gone out on a date yet. Which is kind of funny because my past 2 relationships started not with a date, but with conversation. In the past relationships, I could tell that something had started and I was certain that it was a relationship. That she was my significant other. I felt similar emotions reciprocated to me. For some reason, I'm not quite feeling this with this girl. I don't blame her, but I wish I could get some confirmation that she also would like to being a partnership.

Regardless of all this confusion, I still love her the same. It's as if my heart and my mind are not in the same place.

I don't know...if only I could hear those 3 words from her, I would know how I should feel.

Today's rant has gone a little long. In fact, a lot longer than I had planned. I'll write of "situations" tomorrow. But tonight, I have to go to sleep...and think things over some more.

Truly a day of mental agony and torture.